Editors Note: We're thrilled to welcome Michelle Collins to ETonline's Awards Season team of contributors! Join us at ETonline.com/awards on Sunday, Jan. 11, starting at 7 p.m. ET/4 p.m. PT for complete coverage.
It seems like just yesterday I laid out my favorite gown, lovingly shaved my legs (all the way up to my eyebrows) and proceeded to bronze myself in places I never knew existed (all with the help of a selfie stick).
The year was 2014, the night was the Golden Globes, the time... 6 a.m.? And then it hit me: Not only hadn't I been nominated, I hadn't even been invited to the after-parties. I hadn't even been able to snag a table at my favorite bar known as the Cheesecake Factory where I could sit alone with a glass of Kim Crawford and loudly comment on the proceedings to everyone's delight. (Oh, and they would be delighted.) My only option was to sit at home with a friend named Chuck (he of Two Bucks) and enjoy the show from within the confines of my pajamas.
BUT NOT THIS YEAR. This year is going to be different. That's because I'm teaming up with the good people of ETonline to liveblog the 2015 Awards Show Season, all starting on Jan. 11 with the greatest night of the year: The Golden Globes.
Beginning with the red carpet, join us here, where myself, other special guest contributors and the ETonline staff will liveblog the show--and you'll be able to add your very own commentary to make this the one party you are invited to. (And the best news is, we'll be doing this for all the major awards shows this year. Clear your calendars.)
But let's chat about the Golden Globes for a second. If the Academy Awards are the movie season's graduation ceremony, the Golden Globes are its senior week. Alcohol flows freely, stars in turn are their real selves, speeches run way over and reaction shots give us new life.
Listen, you can hate foreigners for whatever reason you like-Dad-but I dare you to find a single reason to hate the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. While I've never seen a single member of this group with my own eyes, I picture them to be a swinging group of "journalists" who pool their earnings together and buy enough vodka to inebriate a small state.
This year's nominations are Boyhood, Boyhood and Boyhood. In case you're worried, expect Boyhood to win everything: Best Motion Picture Drama, Best Director (Richard Linklater), Best Supporting Actress (Patricia Arquette, who should have been put in the Best Actress category but fine), Screenplay, and Supporting Actor (Ethan Hawke). There are a few nominated movies I've yet to see, including The Theory of Everything, the Stephen Hawking biopic getting raves from friends and professional ravers alike. My promise to you is to see all of the nominated movies before the day of the big show. (The Oscars.)
Oh but wait! The Golden Globes have figured it all out, because they also nominated television shows, thus ensuring that truly every star be in attendance. Who am I most excited about seeing? Why Clive Owen from The Knick, of course. I haven't laid eyes on Clive Owen in the televised flesh for way too long now. (That's because I can't afford Cinemax.) It's time Clive.
I'm also rooting for the HBO miniseries Olive Kitteridge, starring the never-not-perfect Frances McDormand, who I think would be a shoo-in for the award, if she wasn't up against fan faves Jessica Lange for American Horror Story and beloved underdog Alison Tolman from, ironically, Fargo (the movie of which made McDormand a household name.)
Have I talked about the awards enough to look like a professional awards show liveblogger? Great, because let's face it, the awards are secondary at the Golden Globes.
More important: Which celebs do you think are going to chat with each other in the commercial breaks?! Lena Dunham and Meryl Streep? (Those besties? Uhdef.) Will Annie's Quvenzhané Wallis accidentally knock over Ralph Fiennes' drink, creating Instant TV Magic™? One can only hope.
Don't panic but I might get a gel manicure for them. See you then.
Michelle Collins is a writer, comedian and self-described giant (personality!) who for six years was the managing editor of the Best Week Ever website. She will be seen this spring on VH1's Walk of Shame Shuttle and has also hosted The Gossip Queens, appeared on Big Morning Buzz Life, Bravo's Kathy!, Chelsea Lately and The Today Show. Follow her on Twitter at @michcoll.