9 Potential Reasons Why No One Went to See 'Fifty Shades of Grey' Last Weekend

by John Boone 4:14 PM PST, February 24, 2015
Photo: Universal Pictures

Looks like Fifty Shades of Grey might be a one-pump chump.

Though the movie made a record $80-something million during its first weekend, The Hollywood Reporter reports that its box office saw a “massive” 73 percent decline in the U.S. the second weekend. (Though it’s still made over $400 globally, so really, who cares?)

To be honest, we’re surprised: We assumed fans of the book and the plus ones they dragged with them would see it the first weekend, then word would spread that it wasn’t as bad as expected and everyone else would see it the next weekend. Here are nine possible reasons that proved untrue:

WATCH: Dakota Johnson argues with her mom about ‘Fifty Shades’ at Oscars

1. Everyone Who Wanted to See It Already Saw It: As evidenced by that massive haul the first weekend. Fifty Shades is the fastest-selling R-rated movie in history, but maybe anyone who had any interest in ever seeing it (especially in Mississippi) was curious enough to see it opening weekend.

2. And It’s Too Long to See Again: 125 minutes is a lot of time to devote to a movie if you just want to see the sex parts again. Especially when the stuff between the sex parts is pretty boring. Omg, another plane ride?

3. Why Get Invested Now When the Future of the Franchise Looks Like a Mess? Fifty Shades of Grey is but the first installment in a trilogy. The best part of the movie was Sam Taylor-Johnson’s direction. The worst part of the movie was its reliance on author E.L. James’ source material. With rumors that the latter wants to become more involved in the second films' scripting, and Taylor-Johnson wants to jump ship because of it, things aren’t looking good for a sequel. There’s even rumors that Christian Grey himself, Jamie Dornan, wants out. (Though his rep says this isn’t true.)

NEWS: Dakota Johnson talks about Charlie Hunnam dropping out: “Whoops!”

4. Because There’s Not Enough Nudity: At least, not on Jamie Dornan’s part. Yes, there is a lot of nudity in the movie, but most of it is Dakota Johnson. And most of the people who would be swayed to see the movie are women and gay men who want to see Jamie Dornan naked. No offense, Dakota Johnson.

5. And The (Almost) Penis Shot Already Leaked Online:

If you were solely going to see this, you just saved $13.

6. Nothing Shocking Happens in the Movie That You Need to See: There’s sex, sure, but it’s just sex. He flogs her with a flogger a few times, but even that is...meh. For a movie that's supposed to be taboo, there’s nothing so shocking, so scandalous, so I-can’t-believe-they-put-that-in-the-movie, that when you hear about it, you need to buy a ticket to see it for yourself. There’s no tampon scene.

NEWS: Here are the best reactions on Twitter to ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

7. Because You Heard Kingsman: The Secret Service Is Awesome: Regarding our theory above, maybe this was actually the movie you were told you needed to see and so you went to see it that second weekend? If so, you made the right call. Kingsman is insane! And we mean that as a compliment! And Taron Egerton is super hot too, right? Win-win.

8. Because You Heard Rita Ora Is Only in It For Like, Five Seconds: What? Maybe there are some Rita Ora fans out there? And maybe they only planned to see the movie for her? And maybe they said “Well, nevermind” when they heard she has about one and a half minutes, total, of screen time? (If this is you, SPOILER ALERT: She gets kidnapped and held ransom in the third one. Fun!)

9. You Might Get Stabbed: Rumor had it that a man was stabbed with a wine bottle after he told three women to be quiet during a Sunday screening the first weekend. Police later said there was no stabbing, but the three women were arrested for assaulting the man.

Better safe than stabbed with a wine bottle. That’s our motto.

Now, watch to hear how these three grandmas review Fifty Shades of Grey: