Are we out of the woods yet (Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods yet? Are we out of the woods? Are we in the clear yet? Are we in the clear?)
If “the woods” is that soul-crushing period of time spent anticipating Taylor Swift’s new album, 1989, instead of having it and listening to it, then no, we’re not. #FiveDaysStrong
But she did release the tracklist on Instagram:
Taylor slammed critics
who criticize her for singing about relationships and her exes as “sexist,” and we agree. Going one step further, we love that she sings about her exes and puts them on blast via the Top 40. And we love speculating which of those exes inspired which songs.
It’s never too early to get to speculating. So we’re doing it, right now, based on the song titles alone:
1. “Welcome to New York”Who It’s About:
The late, great TV show The Carrie Diaries
. Because you KNOW those CW execs are cursing Taylor for not releasing this last year and saving them from cancelation.
2. “Blank Space”
Who It’s About: We have a morbid theory for this one that we’ll keep to ourselves for now. In lieu of that, when it doubt, guess Harry Styles. And buckle up, because we’re about to hit a Harry Styles streak...
Who It’s About: Harry Styles. Because if you add an “S” to the song name it spells “Styles” which is Harry Styles last name. That is just basic Taylor Swift math.
5. “All You Had to Do Was Stay”
Who It’s About: Harry Styles. Remember when Taylor and Harry broke up in St. Johns and there were those truly depressing pictures of Taylor riding on a boat all by herself and you were like, “Babe, this solo yacht joy ride looks brutal. Go get a margarita or something.” All of that could have been avoided...all Harry had to do was stay.
6. “Shake It Off”
Who It’s About: H8rs! The media! Anyone who has ever written something in an Internet comments section! Also Harry Styles (“my ex-man”) and Kendall Jenner
(“his new girlfriend
, she’s like ‘Oh my god.’” — because you know OMG is a main staple in Kendall Jenner’s vocabulary).
7. “I Wish You Would”
Who It’s About:Jake Gyllenhaal? Just because it sounds like a sequel to Red’s “I Almost Do” — which was definitely about Jake Gyllenhaal — and because they’re both track no. 7 and Taylor Swift loves that shiz.
8. “Bad Blood”Who It’s About:
Katy Perry. Taylor said this song is about “a straight-up enemy” who sabotaged her
and Katy Perry responded by tweeting, “Watch out for the Regina George in sheep’s clothing...” which is the name of song we would LOVE to hear. “Regina George in Sheep’s Clothing” for album six please!
9. “Wildest Dreams”Who It’s About:
Her apartment in NYC. That “rack full of white nightgowns” she has (you know, the Rolling Stone
writer saw while writing her cover story
) must give her seriously horrible nightmares. That rack of white nightgowns spooked us just hearing about it.
10. “How You Get the Girl”
Who It’s About: Taylor Lautner. Hey, he could use the advice.
11. “This Love”
Who It’s About: Karly Kloss, Lena Dunham, Lorde, any of those girls she’s besties with. This is the big “GIRL POWER!” anthem of the album. It’s all about loving your friends and learning to love yourself. Hashtag galpals hashtag lylas hashtag besties before testies.
12. “I Know Places”
Who It’s About: Connor Kennedy. It’s actually a song about the real estate market in Cape Cod and how she flipped that mansion she bought near the Kennedy compound for a profit.
Who It’s About: Taylor Swift. And how her conscience is clean and none of her exes can make her feel bad for living her truth. HEAR THAT, HARRY STYLES? DO YOU HEAR THAT?
Phew. We are exhausted
after that jog down memory lane. No wonder Taylor Swift can’t imagine dating anyone
right now. Anyway, guess we’ll have to wait and see on Oct. 27, when 1989
is (finally!!!) released.
In the meantime, watch Taylor Swift’s super adorable cover of Adele: