This Mom Is Rewriting 'Harry Potter' to Replace the Witchcraft With Christianity

by John Boone 3:10 PM PDT, September 24, 2014
Photo: Warner Bros.

You’re a Christian, Harry! Or at least, now you are!

A woman named Grace Ann aka “proudhousewife” is currently rewriting Harry Potter on, removing the witchcraft and wizardry and replacing it with Christianity. It’s called Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles and it is...something!

“My little ones have been asking to read the Harry Potter books; and of course I’m happy for them to be reading; but I don’t want them turning into witches!” Grace Ann writes. “So I thought... why not make some slight changes so these books are family friendly?”

“Slight” is an interesting choice of words: Dumbledore becomes Reverend Albus Dumbledore, who is married and STRAIGHT. Hermoine is Dumbledore’s daughter (for some reason?) and is described as “modest” and “obedient.” And the commandments are shoe-horned whether applicable or not, like when she addresses coveting thy neighbor’s wife while introducing Harry to the children’s dormitories??

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An excerpt (via Mommyish):

“What is a Christian?” Harry queried innocently; and scuffed his shoe on the shaggy, yellow carpet which had not been vacuumed in quite some time.

“Christians are people who want to be good,” Hagrid explained wisely; and crouched down so he was on eye level with Harry. “We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?”

Harry shook his head; and his big eyes were wide and curious.

“Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God.”

Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry’s young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, “Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays. Haven’t you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things.”

Hagrid laughed wisely. “Evolution is a fairytale. You don’t really believe that, do you?”

“Yes, I do!” Aunt Petunia screeched.

“Well then prove it!”

Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn’t even prove her own religion. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was!

Hagrid then proves that God exists (which seems kind of not-the-point, right? Aren’t you supposed to have faith that God exists even though you can’t prove it? Anyway...) and they pray their way to Hogwarts (which is kind of like the floo network! Kinda).

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It’s not just religion; there are some interesting views on women too:

"Women shouldn't not have careers because women are stupid!" Harry shouted indignantly. "Women are not stupid at all! Women should not have careers because women are nurturing and loving and their gifts serve them best in the home!"

Some speculate that the story is parody or satire. But seven chapters deep with a 7,600 word count, that’s quite the dedicated parody. It’s not like we're exactly without precedent either.