NEWS

The Definitive List of the Best and Worst Halloween Candy

by John Boone 9:05 AM PDT, October 28, 2014
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If you plan to hand out candy to trick or treaters, consider this post required reading. There is no test at the end, but if you have any intention of handing out a candy labeled as “Worst” reconsider IMMEDIATELY or retire yourself from the Halloween game. We don’t generally condone victim blaming, but if you hand out licorice, you were asking for it.

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BEST: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Even if they’re smashed — and they’re always smashed — licking that melted chocolate and peanut butter off that waxy wrapper is the highlight of every Halloween. Did that sound erotic? It is. Reese’s Pieces are great too. Reese’s Minis are not.

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WORST: Black licorice. Also, any licorice. Twizzlers and Red Vines are only good when you can eat infinity out of one of those giant tubs. Not when you get a quarter inch of licorice in a plastic wrapper. Individually wrapped pieces of black licorice is a personal insult and you should treat it as such.

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BEST: Butterfingers. We’re not exactly positive what’s going on inside of a Butterfinger — what is it? And why is it orange? — but they sure are delicious. Nobody’s gonna lay a finger on my Butterfinger (both a good candy strategy and a euphemism for something inappropriate, probably).

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WORST: Almond Joy. Just say no to almonds, people. If nary a single almond touches candy, it is no longer candy anymore. It is probably HEALTHY. When it comes to nuts, almonds are a trick and peanuts are a treat. Peanuts >>>>>>

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BEST: Starbursts. You’re really taking a gamble here, because on Halloween you receive Starbursts in a pack of two, so there’s a chance you’ll roll the dice and get one (1) yellow and one (1) red. Tragic. We’re so sorry that happened to you. But could imagine anything better happening in life than a double pink?

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WORST: Candy Corn. It may be blasphemous to say as much, because ‘tis the season, but whatever. You know the only reason you get excited about candy corn is because it means better, free candy is on the horizon. Be HONEST.

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BEST: Snickers. There is no combination of those four ingredients (chocolate, peanuts, caramel, and nougat) that is bad. And of all the bars, Snickers taste the best in Fun Sized portions. Two bites: The first to see the caramel ooze out and the second to finish it all.

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WORST: Flavored Tootsie Rolls. What flavors are they even supposed to taste like??!

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BEST: Sour Patch Kids. SPKs are automatically elevated above the basics of the Halloween candy hierarchy simply because of their rarity. No one hands our Sour Patch Kids. In the lottery that is Halloween, Sour Patch Kids are a winning Powerball number. Except you get a sugar high instead of a million dollars. Same diff.

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WORST: M&M’s. We like M&M’s, but this is strictly a stats thing: You have a better chance of getting a baggie of plain milk chocolate (boring), candy corn (meh), or peanut (who are we, our mothers?!) than those bomb ass peanut butter M&M’s.

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BEST: Skittles. Unlike M&M’s, there is no risk to Skittles. You know exactly what you are going to get with a bag of Skittles because they pretty much all taste the same (like sugar). And you’re going to eat the entire baggie in one handful, because you were raised right.

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BEST: Twix. Even though the sum of both Twix pieces is only equal to but never greater than a regular candy bar, it somehow feels like you’re getting more. And more candy is better than less candy. That is math we understand.

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BEST: Airheads. This only applies to large (regulation size) Airheads though, not the minis. Because you can’t shake a mini by the wrapper until it compresses into a delicious Airhead pillow — like such. Please ignore the fact that it is Green Apple. Obviously, Green Apple is the worst flavor of anything.

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THE ABSOLUTE WORST: Anything Mini Sized. C’mon Scrooge, we’re not expecting every house to hand out King Sized candy, but at least pony up for a mixed bag of Fun Sized stuff. WTF are we supposed to do with half a bite of a Snickers?!

MORE OF THE WORST (JUST NOT BAD ENOUGH TO DISCUSS HOW MUCH WE HATE THEM): Gum, Whoppers, Lemonheads, Warheads, handfuls of Jolly Ranchers, Smarties, Raisinets, Rolos, Good and Plenty, individually wrapped hard candies.

MORE OF THE BEST (JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR US TO GET THAT EXCITED): Kit Kat, 3 Musketeers, Milky Ways, Crunch Bars, Baby Ruth, Mr. Goodbar, Hershey — basically we are cool with any chocolate. And Nerds.

Be safe out there. Be smart out there. All trades are final. No takesy backsies.

And make sure you check out the best celeb Halloween costumes of all time:

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