Starbucks Will Soon Begin Delivering Coffee!

by John Boone 1:25 PM PDT, October 31, 2014
Photo: Getty Images

It’s not particularly difficult to find a Starbucks (they’re in grocery stores, bookstores, malls, office buildings, airports – Google it right now and you’ll probably find a handful within a mile radius of wherever you are).

There’s never thaaat long of a line to wait in at Starbucks – even during peak ‘Bucks hours. Some Starbucks have drive thrus too. And contrary to what the joke has become, baristas don’t mess up your order that often (though they will mess up your name. That part is true.)

But who cares about all that: Starbucks is about to make things even easier. Starbucks is going to deliver.

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During a company conference call, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz revealed a “mobile ordering and payment system” will launch next year, in the latter half of 2015. "Imagine the ability to create a standing order of Starbucks delivered hot to your desk daily," he explained. "That's our version of e-commerce on steroids."

We have a million questions: How long will a delivery take from order to first sip? Could it possibly be quicker than just stopping at a store and buying it yourself? How will Starbucks keep the coffee hot in transport? At this point, can’t you just make the coffee yourself? There is a Starbucks home-brew machine, isn’t there? What are we talking about in terms of delivery fees here? We’re already paying $5 for a cup of coffee. Do you tip for the drink and tip for the delivery? And where are we supposed to get our Norah Jones CDs now?!

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Starbucks does not have answers. Yet.

But they are “moving ahead, full speed ahead.” Matt Ryan, Starbucks’ chief strategy officer, says, "We are going to be looking at a number of different options. There will probably be a multiple number of solutions that we go with them in terms of how we operationalize this."

Cool! In the meantime, we’ll keep trucking our butts into your stores like the peasants we are. And next year we’ll start shilling out the (guesstimated) $24 to have a Pumpkin Spice Latte delivered to our desk. And the year after that, we’ll apply for a small personal loan to put a down payment on the $1,000,000 Starbucks drip you'll be able to have installed right into your bloodstream. You know, just to make things easier.

And make sure you meet the man behind Dumb Starbucks: