14 Foolproof Tips For Conquering America's Favorite Holiday: Black Friday

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Black Friday is America’s greatest holiday. Dare I say, it’s the only thing we really have to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. But if you think you’re just going to show up at the mall and pick out a few nice Christmas gifts for people, you’re wrong. This is a day when the utmost planning is required to ensure you snag the best deals this great nation of ours has to offer its people.
So we thought we’d help out in advance with this list of 14 Foolproof Tips For Conquering Black Friday. Get ready for a little taste of deal heaven.
1. BLACK FRIDAY IS A LIE.
Yes, it’s called Black Friday. But as we all know, Black Friday is a trick fooling idiots into believing the sales start on Friday. True Black Friday connoisseurs know that the real sales start on Thursday, a day you might know as "Thanksgiving," but we know as "Brown Thursday." Brown because you are truly going to soil yourselves when you see these prices.
2. THROW YOUR TURKEY IN THE GARBAGE.
You won’t be needing that anymore. Or you can leave your fully baked turkey on the sidewalk outside your house in the hopes that some vagrants stumble upon it.
3. COMFORT YOUR CHILDREN.
They’ll probably be crying at this point. I mean it is a little weird that you have them lined up individually at different stores around the mall to ensure first dibs on those rocking deals. But they’ll understand it in a few days when they’re watching Frozen for the millionth time on their brand new state-of-the-art 55" Samsung Curved 4k Ultra HD TV that you got for a few hundy. "Let It Go"? Not this deal.
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4. DOWNLOAD SOME APPS.
No, not the endless kind like at T.G.I. Black Fridays. Phone apps, which can help you figure out which stores have the best deals. You can download one of those bar scanner apps, which will compare prices in various stores, or an S.O.S. app, which will alert authorities when you accidentally get trapped underneath a pile of three dollar toasters at Wal-Mart.
5. DRESS COMFORTABLY.
Depending on climate, you might want to bring a warm coat with you while you line up at the crack of dawn. I also recommend wearing shirts or sweaters with loose armholes, which will make swatting an item out of a stranger's hands easier and more convenient.
6. BUT WHAT ABOUT PARKING?
Finding a place for your car can almost be as challenging as finding a place for the four dishwashers you just bought online for a song. But don’t be discouraged! One way to get a spot is to offer rides to people leaving the mall or giving up on Black Friday altogether. By driving them to their car, you get first dibs on their spot. Or, you can do what I always do: Leave your car in the middle of the highway and just. start. running. toward. the. sales.
7. PLAN YOUR ROUTE.
Don't just show up to the mall and pretend to shop at random. Planning your mall route is as important to Thanksgiving as sweet potato pie, and twice as filling. (It isn't.) Know which stores you want to go to first, and which items you want to get your hands on before anyone else.
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8. HEY WAIT A MINUTE.
That woman just grabbed the last Surface tablet. But… but that was on your route. The route that you planned!
9. FOLLOW THAT WOMAN AROUND THE STORE.
I mean, she has a cart full of things. Surely she’s not going to buy everything, right? Wait, hold on… her back is turned. Kids, stay here.
10. GRAB THAT TABLET OUT OF HER CART.
Hurry, she’s not looking. Come on, do it!! She’ll never know it was you. And so what if she did?
11. RUN.
She can see you. And she’s calling security. Drop that tablet and just keep running. Wait a second, was that Phyllis? Oh god, I think that was Madison’s math teacher. Hurry. She knows.
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12. MAKE A SCENE.
If anything doesn’t go your way on "Brown Thursday," don’t be afraid to make a little scene. One foolproof suggestion is smearing a bloody handprint on your face like Wilson in Cast Away and screaming "I’m the King of the World." People will be so distracted/horrified/calling 911 that they won’t notice as your significant other or children have their pick of the bargain litter!
13. HAVE BAIL MONEY HANDY.
In case any of the above tips don’t fully work out. The good news is, from all the money you've saved, you’ll have plenty of money to bail the whole family out of jail.
14. GIVE UP AND START PLANNING FOR BLACK FRIDAY 2015.
That’s right… you’re far too late to get in on any deals in 2014. But now is the perfect time to set up shop outside that Best Buy for all the amazing "doorbuster" deals that’ll go down on Black Friday – I mean Brown Thursday – in 2015. Laugh as you watch people climb over each other in the doorway, knowing full well that you’re gonna be the verrrrrrrry first person in line come next Thanksgiving. Give yourself a pat on the back, kid. You deserve it.
After you're burned out on Black Friday and munching on Turkey Day leftovers, check out the greatest moments from Friends Thanksgiving episodes in the video below.