It’s the end of the year. It’s time to reminisce on what you were like when 2014 started and what you are like now, as 2014 ends. How far have you come? How do you want to change in 2015? Take a piece of paper and make a list. These are your New Year’s resolutions. Now crumple that paper up and throw it away.
Because you are not actually going to do any of these things:
1. Go To The Gym: Everyone says they’ll go to go to the gym more next year, but have you actually been to a gym? It’s a horrible nightmare place where you just wait around for 45 minutes to use a treadmill. It’s only a matter of time before your gym membership lapses into a monthly donation.
2. Eat Healthier: It’s good to watch what you eat, but 2015 won’t be the year you suddenly change your entire diet and only eat organic, raw, carb-free, vegan. Not when those French fries look that good. And life is too short to skip that piece of lava cake, so don’t. Don’t you skip it.
3. Lose Weight: Well, if you’re not going to stick to No. 1 and you’re not going to stick to No. 2, this probably isn’t going to happen. And that’s OK. We think your body is beautiful.
4. Sleep More: Unless you can figure out a way to manipulate the laws of space and time — in which case, what a discovery! You Will win a science award for that, maybe! — you physically cannot work, workout, cook meals, watch TV, have any sort of social life, and still get 8 hours of sleep. That first night of 8 hours will be amazing, but you’ll be down to six-ish again the first time someone invites you over for a wine and Scandal night.
5. Read More: There’s a reason we have TV now.
6. Clean More: It’s so hard to keep up with. It’s actually impossible if you have kids or pets. What, are you going to mop every day? Do you know how much of your life would be spent mopping? It’s not your place is messy anyway, it’s lived in. And you know where everything is anyway. You have a system.
7. Save Money: Awww, that’s such a cute budget. Have fun with that!
8. Keep In Touch Better: Maybe you’ve decided 2015 will be the year you start sending actual, handwritten letters to people. Or call your mom once a week. Or set up that lunch with your friends from back in high school. And then you’ll get busy and be thankful that Facebook reminds you when peoples’ birthdays are so you can write “HBD” on their wall.
9. Finally Quit That Bad Habit: You tried and failed in 2014, but next year will be the year it happens: You’re going to [quit smoking/quit swearing/kick your caffeine addiction, inset bad habit here]. And you’re going to do it cold turkey — or cold turkey until you cave in a moment of weakness, make yourself feel horrible for it, start over again, give in again, feel horrible again, etc.
10. Finally Write That Novel: Or whatever creative endeavor you have that brilliant idea for but can never find the motivation to actually start. Why start today when you can start tomorrow?
11. Put Yourself Out There: 2015 is going to be the year you say “YES!” to life. It’s going to be the year you finally sign up for online dating! Or let your friends set you up on that blind date! 2015 will be the year you find love and you’ll both live happily ever after! Or you will just binge watch Netflix in your sweats and never leave your house, and doesn’t that sound better anyway?
New year, same old you.
Anyway, find out why 2014 was officially the year of the booty: