"Hey hey hey hey—the party starts in Santa Fe!"
And with that deranged cheerleader chant, this week's episode of The Bachelor moved the eleven remaining women out of the L.A. mansion, and over to the beautiful town of Santa Fe, New Mexico. (A town that, according to Megan, is out of the country.)
The cattiness between the ladies rose to an all-time high on Monday's episode. From Kelsey's deluded infatuation with her own romantic tragedy, to Ashley I.'s general hatred of each and every girl in the competition, and the abrupt return of yet another previously eliminated contestant — the claws were most certainly out tonight.
Long story, short — The Bachelor was straight-up bonkers this week, and we at ETonline think that there is no better way to recap the crazy than with the ladies' own quotes, and a few winning observations from Bachelor Chris Soules.
Behold, the 26 cattiest, most ridiculous and WTF lines of the night!
"It's a good strategy, I would've done the same thing if I had that disorder. 'I need Chris to warm my hands and feet up and my butt.'"—Mackenzie making fun of Jane who fell in the freezing waters and has a condition where her body goes into hypothermia very easily.
"Oh me, oh my! I'm cold, I need a hug, I need someone to rub my feet… I'm fine okay?! I'm fine! I'm not going to get any back rubs or any feet rubs. I'm not going to get any attention because I'm fine!"—Kelsey who was doing the same thing as Mackenzie, but in a much more high-pitched, psychotic way.
"I know I'm usually very articulate and can like put words to a lot of what's going on, but holy %$#@! What just happened?"—Kelsey on the surprising return of previously eliminated Jordan.
"Who's pissed? Who's pissed?"—Kaitlyn says while pointing to all the other women on the group date after Whitney received the rose.
"Britt has not showered in weeks. Why doesn’t she shower? I don’t understand."—Carly on Britt's upsetting personal hygiene habits.
"Whitney. Who I honestly looked at earlier that day on the boat and thoughts, 'I don’t really have to worry about that.'"—Ashley I.'s befuddlement on why Whitney received the group date rose.
"I just think she's fake as s--t . I just think that she's also just one those perky [girls] that you can just snap."—Ashley I.'s continued rage on Whitney getting the rose.
"Britt sleeps in all of her make-up, she actually puts make-up on before she goes to bed just in case. Just go home Britt. I can't. I just need her to go home."—Carly revealing the mystery of Britt's 4:30 am made-up face.
"Britt's date with Chris today presented itself as another threat to my relationship with Chris… so I know what I need to do."—Kelsey justifying her decision to sneak off and surprise Chris at his hotel room.
"I just really thought that Kelsey would be the one to go tonight and, now because she has a story that is so much more traumatizing than me, she got to talk to him and I couldn’t. My story is obviously nothing compared to hers and now it's just like a big comparison game of sad stories."—Ashley I. on the sorrows that her "I'm a virgin" card has been trumped by Kelsey's "I'm a widow" card.
"It's like a beach resort place. I think that New Mexico is definitely going to be a culture shock place from what I'm used to. The hats, the sombreros that everyone wears in Mexico, I don’t know if they wear that in New Mexico… I'm so excited. I've never been out of the country."—Megan showing off her lack of geography knowledge.
"This love guru seem to know the secrets of intimacy and if she can't bring that out between Carly and I today, then I don’t think this relationship is going to happen."—Chris on the importance of basing a relationship on what the random love guru has to say.
"We just delved right in it's like here is a really deep ocean—jump right in wearing really weird rags."—Carly while on what had to be the most-awkward date that ever aired on TV.
"I drove. From Colorado. And this is absolutely crazy, I get it."—Previously eliminated Jordan being very self-aware when randomly approaching Chris in the hotel lobby.
"I might wash my hair."—Britt on her potential pre-date preparations.
"So I just got the date card and I'm really really excited to see Chris but it says the sky's the limit and I'm terrified of heights."—Britt reveals before immediately bursting into tears.
"Britt looks just a beautiful first thing in the morning as she does when she's all dolled up prior to a rose-ceremony. It's pretty incredible."—Chris being a typical guy not realizing that Britt wore a full-layer of make-up to bed, including bright pink lipstick and sparkly eye-liner.
"This date started in bed and ended in bed."—Britt on her "nap" with Chris.
WTF: (Also Know as the Kelsey Column)
"And darling that is life."—Kelsey's nonchalant conclusion to the tale of how her husband died.
"I'm just uh! [Looks pleased with herself] Isn't my story amazing? It's tragic, but amazing. I love my story."—Kelsey on the fact that her husband died only a year and a half ago.
"I know this is a show about Chris, but this is my love story too. This is the unfolding of somebody who has been through something so tragic, and you get to watch her pick up the pieces and grow into another person and into a another relationship."—Kelsey's delusional and self-indulgent view of herself.
"I just [Huge gasps] I think I'm just having [another huge gasp] a panic attack."—Kelsey while freaking out and hysterically crying and laying on the floor.
What do you think was the most WTF quote of the night? Share your thoughts with @LeanneAguilera on Twitter using #ETNow!