A Wisconsin Basketball Player Messed With the NCAA Stenographer and It Was Amazing

by John Boone 9:50 AM PDT, March 23, 2015
Photo: Getty Images

Now this is the kind of March Madness we can get behind.

After defeating Coastal Carolina in the first round of the tournament Friday night, a few of the Wisconsin Badgers basketball players noticed the NCAA stenographer in the back of the room during a press conference. “Like a trio of schoolchildren, they started peppering the woman responsible for transcribing their quotes with questions about how stenography works,” AP reports.

And to say their minds were blown is an understatement:

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So come Saturday, one player, Nigel Hayes, decided to have a little fun with her. Here is the opening to their next press conference, as transcribed by the stenographer herself:

THE MODERATOR: Nigel, obviously if you just look statistically, you’ve taken quite a leap in the 3-point shooting, to whatever, and in other areas. Can you describe just the steps you took to kind of, you know, raise those parts of your game?

NIGEL HAYES: “Before I answer that question, I would like to say a few words: Cattywampus, onomatopoeia, and antidisestablishmentarianism. (Laughs). Now, back to your question. It was a lot of hard work, teammates giving me great confidence, and when you play with players that are very unselfish like the two next to me, who also give you that confidence and involve the team, it’s a lot easier to get things done.”

Why did you start off saying those things and then I have a follow-up?

“Well, the wonderful young lady over there, I think her job title is a stenographer, yes, okay. And she does an amazing job of typing words, sometimes if words are not in her dictionary, maybe if I say soliloquy right now, she may have to work a little bit harder to type that word, or quandary, zephyr, Xylophone, things like that that make her job really interesting.”

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Nailed it. Afterwards, Nigel gave her the proper props she deserved:

Three cheers for stenographers, the true, underappreciated heroes of March Madness! Next time, might we suggest sgiomlaireached? Or misodoctakleidist?

In other basketball news, watch Ashley Judd get a very uncomfortable kiss from Dick Vitale when Kentucky wins: