Won’t anyone think of the children? Lindsay Lohan will.
After attempting to pass off "charitable" Facebook posts and meet and greets with fans as community service, the (sometimes) actress now has just about two weeks to complete 125 hours of volunteer work, resulting from previous court cases, or risk going to jail...again.
She’ll do so by volunteering with preschoolers, ET has confirmed. A natural fit. If Lindsay starts tomorrow, as The New York Daily News claims she will, she will need to volunteer for over seven hours a day, every day (including weekends).
Here are seven lessons the preschoolers at the Duffield Children Center in Brooklyn, N.Y. -- lucky kids! -- can learn from Lindsay:
1. No hitting. In 2012, Lindsay was arrested in the wee hours of the morning for allegedly punching a woman in the face at a club -- a woman who may or may not have been a psychic, possibly over a boy bander -- and booked for third degree misdemeanor assault. Whether she actually did it or not, keep your hands to yourself.
2. Tell the truth. Don’t tell the police that “the black kid” did it -- as Lohan infamously did in 2007 after being involved in a high-speed chase (she was booked on charges of lying to a peace officer). Over the years, people also claim she has lied about doing cocaine, drinking, whether the drugs she had on her person at the time of arrest were hers or not, sleeping with James Franco and handling Whitney Houston’s dead body at the morgue. No fibbing!
3. Don’t put things in your mouth. Toys. Things you find on the floor. Drugs. Alcohol. Etcetera.
4. Don’t overdo it. Everything -- well, most things -- are OK in moderation. Too much chocolate will give you a tummy ache. Too much drinking before you get behind the wheel of your car will get you a DUI (like Lindsay did in 2007, her first of two that year). Then you have to go to rehab.
5. Listen to adults. When the judge says no, the judge means no. When police officers tell you “Because I said so,” you should listen. Most of the time, they have your best interests in mind. But be careful, because mommy and daddy are sometimes what we call enablers. (At least, our experience of Dina and Michael Lohan leads us to believe that.)
6. Use your inside voice. You don’t need to be screaming at a club. You don’t need to be yelling outside of Samantha Ronson’s house. And you don’t need to blast your dirty laundry on Twitter and social media, either. Let’s keep it down, please.
7. Seriously, no hitting. Don’t hit baby strollers with your car. Don’t hit other cars with your car. Don’t hit an 18-wheel semi with your car. Don’t hit another human being (apparently) with your car. Don’t hit anyone with anything.
In other Lohan news, find out why people think Lindsay is Photoshopping pictures on Instagram and how she was caught using the N-word.