The storm is here. This week, Magic Mike XXL showers down on skin-eplexes with thongs, thongs and more thongs.
The supersized sequel to Channing Tatum's inspired-by-true-events male stripper phenomenon is about… ha, like it matters.
The filmmakers know what you want (not a story), and they're giving it to you (see: thongs). With Tatum, Matt Bomer, Kevin Nash, Joe Manganiello and Adam Rodríguez making magic happen during XXL, we couldn't help but think: Who should take it off the next time? You know, because it's never too early to consider the menu before you order.
1. Zac Efron
So instead of Magic Mike, maybe… Zestfully Zac? And just him. For two hours. Best. Movie. Ever. But seriously: No one in their right (dirty) mind is gonna complain if the hunk-and-a-half steams up the screen. And isn't this movie almost finished anyway? Considering the generous surplus of Zac shirtlessness on the beach, in the shower and while trying to pee with an erection, let's get this to post production stat.
2. Chris Pratt
All the world wants is Chris Pratt in everything, all the time, for the rest of our lives. And seeing the DILF in any way, shape or form in Magic Mike -- bring the Dad Bod back if you want, Chris -- is no exception. Because have you seen that boy move? And were you too thinking that all you want is for him to guard your galaxy?
3. Shemar Moore
More Moore anyone? The Criminal Minds stud brought sexy back on Ellen as he grooved his way into the hot seat (look at him go!), and even though that was just earlier this year, "sexy" could use a comeback. That smile, that sincerity, that sexiness -- Moore's the whole package. Speaking of package…
4. Matthew Lewis
Surely Matthew Lewis could whip out some of his wizardry to cast a spell on a sea of lustful hands. Not that he'd need to. Have you seen the actor lately? Clothed in just bulge-emphasizing undies (he clearly has the stripping part down), the Harry Potter dork-turned-dreamboat recently voodooed everyone including J.K. Rowling with his deliciously not-dorky bod. Goodbye, Neville Longbottom; hellooooo, nakedness.
5. Dave Franco
Why Dave Franco? Haven't you heard the age-old adage? If you can f*ck yourself, you can do anything.
6. Ryan Gosling
Everyone: a moment of silence for Ryan Gosling's abs. They're missed (RIP?), and we can't think of a better way to resurrect them than onstage, in all their glistening glory. "But can he dance?" you ask. To which we say, "Can he ever."
7. Paul Rudd
Even if Paul Rudd wasn't gettin' down with his bad self as a soon-to-be Marvel action hero in the upcoming Ant-Man, we still wouldn't stop him from being bad… in other ways. Ways that involve a pole, a crunk '80s jam and some skimpy skivvies. If Mr. Nice Guy is shaking it up career-wise, he might as well shake it off -- literally.
8. Harry Shum
The Glee actor knows a thing or two about "humidity naked time." And better yet, he knows how to deal with it: Lose the shirt. In this Instagram post from 2013, the 33-year-old stripped down for survival purposes, obviously. Those abs, by the way, are just the chiseled cherries on top. His real qualification? Shum's moves, which are smoooooth. Even on a treadmill, his dexterity is sure to get your temperature rising.
9. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Thank you… musical theater background? Joseph Gordon-Levitt never seemed like the stripper type, but then he hosted Saturday Night Live. During his hilarious-but-hot opening monologue, he got down and dirty to "It's Raining Men," writhing, jiving and showing off his, you know, body of work. If this is what acting is, we want more of it.
10. Dwayne Johnson
He doesn't just drive fast and furiously -- Dwayne Johnson (aka The Rock) does a damn good pec dance. Give this man a beat, a role in Magic Mike, and let his jiggy chest take you to paradise.
Usher is famous for exuding ample sex appeal, so it only makes sense that the dancer slash singer slash professional hottie take it to the next level by bringing all his talents together. He's also really good at taking his clothes off. Aaaaand, he even wrote a song about strippers, last year's "I Don't Mind." The only problem with Usher starring as one? Why it hasn't happened already.
12. Hugh Jackman
Things could get hairy with Hugh Jackman onstage, and wouldn't that be refreshing? So far, the two Magic Mike movies have featured relatively hairless torsos, and Jackman -- in his natural, non-Wolverine state -- is just the man to introduce some fur to the franchise. That, plus the fact that the beefcake can strut his stuff, and you might as well start saving your singles.
13. Chris Evans
Imagine it: Chris Evans. Whipped Cream. Half-naked. Actually, never mind. We'll do you a favor and happily resurrect this creamy Chris concoction from 2001's Not Another Teen Movie, when, to the delight of anything human, Captain America slathered his nipples and nether regions with dessert topping. Magic Mike needs a banana sundae, wouldn't you agree?
Craving more Magic Mike? Whet your appetite with these XXL cast interviews in the video below.