“I seriously am always like, ‘Am I f**king gorgeous?’”
Amy Schumer made great use of her 30-minute stand-up set at Sunday night's Funny or Die Presents Oddball Comedy Festival, sponsored by Southern Comfort. She waxed poetic about dirty underwear and the paparazzi. She recounted the NSFW text she sent to Katie Couric’s husband. She kicked out at least one heckler. And, while discussing body image, she gave a shout-out to new friend Jennifer Lawrence.
“I know you guys look at me and you’re like, ‘You’re a comedian, you’re a model.’ I seriously am always like, ‘Am I f**king gorgeous?’” the comedian joked. “And then I became friends with Jennifer Lawrence and I was like, ‘Nope!’”
She burst into a singsongy cadence, “I’m a monnnnster! I just feel like I’m in the movie, Twins, and I’m Danny DeVito when I’m with her.”
Schumer also took a shot at the press during the event, which was held at the Irvine Meadows Amphitheater and featured co-headliner Aziz Ansari, as well as comedians like Anthony Jeselnik and John Mulaney. Specifically, Women’s Health magazine.
“I have a great relationship with the press. My least favorite is Women’s Health,” she explained. “The balls to call yourself Women’s Health, but then have articles like, ‘How to Trick Your Stomach Into Thinking You Ate That Week.’ ‘How to Get Your Disgusting P***y That New Car Smell.’ ‘You’re Fat and Gross and You’re Going to Die Alone -- L'Oreal.’ That f**king magazine. It should be called, ‘Women’s Eat Just Enough to Stay Alive, Maybe.’”
“I did an interview with them, because I forgot,” she added. “And they were like, ‘How can women get better confidence?’ I was like, ‘By not reading your magazine.’ And they wrote it! To give them some credit, they wrote it.”
The Emmy winner also hilariously lampooned its current cover girl. “They always use really like cool, accessible people that you can relate to. Last month, it was like...Gwyneth Paltrow,” she paused, laughing. “The cover is her and she’s pulling up her shirt and you see like, her abs and the top of her cl*t. And she’s like, ‘I’m a mom, I get it. It’s hard. I’m like you -- APPLE! Get Moses out of my eyeline.’”
The latest stop on the Oddball tour fell one night after Schumer made her Saturday Night Live hosting debut, which she called a “f**king dream come true.” And it seems like she celebrated it as such, partying afterwards with Lawrence and Ansari.
“Full disclosure, I drank so much last night that I’m dead and this is the ghost of Amy Schumer,” she told the crowd to raucous applause as she took the stage. “If halfway through my set I have to lay down, just still listen. And don’t take any pictures -- I’m wearing horrible American Apparel underwear and no one needs to see that.”
Now, watch Schumer call out the Kardashians in her hilarious SNL monologue: