All of the Sex in 'Fifty Shades Darker' by the Numbers

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Photo: Universal Pictures
We're all going to see Fifty Shades Darker this weekend for the same reason, right? To learn the inner workings of the Seattle book publishing industry? And then for the sex. Since Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson say they were "more comfortable" shooting those scenes this time around, it's no surprise the movie is much more NSFW.
Below, all of the sex by the numbers. (Yes, we did math during Fifty Shades Darker.)
11: Minutes of total onscreen sex.
9: Percent of the movie that is sex scenes, with a running time just shy of two hours. (Two hours!)
16: Seconds before you see Dornan shirtless. (During a nightmare and the first of already too many sepia-tinted traumatic childhood flashbacks.)
19: Minutes before the first "vanilla" sex scene.
40: Minutes before the first "kinky" sex scene.
2: Appearances by the infamous Red Room of Pain.
2: Sex scenes that take place off-camera. (You played yourself, Fifty Shades Darker.)
5: Total number of spanks delivered, including one playful, fully clothed pat.
1: Scene where Christian Grey is shirtless and Ana draws on him with lipstick.
1: Pair of vaginal beads.
1: Scene of Christian doing shirtless pull-ups and pommel horse. (Because he just has a pommel horse in his apartment.)
4: Times you see a portion of Dornan's butt.
1: Time you see a portion of Dornan's pubes.
1: Full-frontal scene that Dornan is rumored to have shot for Fifty Shades Darker and that was ultimately cut from the finished film. Resulting in a MILLION questions for director James Foley, the producers, the editor, Dornan himself, E.L. James, the studio, the MPAA, your local cinema and whatever higher power you believe in.