One-time Queen Bee of the Upper East Side Serena van der Woodsen (the TV alter-ego of one-time Queen Bee of Gossip Girl Blake Lively) would make a not terrible mother. That baby would always be dressed well and sure, maybe Serena would forget it at the Chanel store from time to time, but who doesn’t forget stuff now and then?
Blake — who is expecting her first child with husband Ryan Reynolds — will likely fare even better. Assuming she doesn’t follow ANY of this parenting advice from the parents of Gossip Girl:
1. Lie About Who the Father of Your Baby Is.
In season three, Georgina (Michelle Trachtenberg) tells Dan (Penn Badgley) that he is the father of her unborn child. He does good by her — even though she’s a PSYCHO — and eventually raises the child as his own. But it’s not his. NOT COOL, GEORGINA. Thankfully, we can all rest (almost definitely, like 99.9 percent) assured that Ryan Reynolds IS the father.
2. Lie to Your Children and Tell Them Their Parent Is Dead.
Here’s one reason Chuck (Ed Westwick) ended up so effed up: His dad, Bart Bass, tells him that his mother died during childbirth. Then Bart used that fake death as the excuse why he was emotionally distant during Chuck’s formative years. That is not good parenting! Again, we probably don’t have to worry about this for Blake’s child, as we can all collectively keep an eye on Ryan Reynolds.
3. Have Your Children Arrested.
Serena’s mother, Lily, threw Serena in jail to teach her a lesson. Yes, disciplining your child is important, but there is probably a better way to do so than arranging her first mug shot. While we’re on the subject, try not to get your kid’s friends arrested (like Bart Bass does to his son's best friend, Nate).
4. Let Your Maid Raise Your Child.
Dorota was not Blair’s (Leighton Meester) mother, she is the Waldorf family’s maid. But Dorota did basically raise Blair and Blair’s real mom, Eleanor, admits as much herself. Dorota probably never even got a bonus for it.
5. Accusing an Innocent Man of Rape so He Won’t Date Your Daughter.
While Serena is in boarding school, she develops a relationship with her teacher, Ben Donovan. Ultimately, Ben refuses Serena’s advances because he is her teacher. Regardless, when Lily finds out, instead of learning the facts, she accuses Ben of transporting a minor across state lines and statutory rape and gets him sent to jail. This is both overprotective parenting and also HORRIBLE.
6. Do a Bunch of Coke, Steal a Bunch of Money, and Flee to Dominica.
When Nate Archibald (Chase Crawford) discovers a bunch of his father’s blow, old Howard lets him take the fall for the drugs. That is just the tip of this iceberg: Howard also embezzles a bunch of money and, when caught, flees the country, sending his family into financial ruin. Oh and also...
7. Hold Your Kids Hostage.
Howard returns from Dominica, only to make plans to hold Nate and Nate’s mom hostage to collect ransom money from his wife’s family, the van der Bilts. The FBI figures it out before Howard can execute his plan, but even planning to hold your kids hostage in the first place is not in Bringing Up Baby.
8. Become a Murderer.
Or hire people to kill other people. Chuck eventually learns that his dad, businessman Bart Bass, recruits hitmen to “accidentally” kill people who could threaten his reputation or his company. Not great. Also not great:
9. Try to Kill Your Kid.
Bart arranges for his son Chuck to be killed in a plane crash, though Chuck manages to find out beforehand (and thus avoid the eventual murder). When Chuck reveals Bart’s attempt on his life, Bart admits he’s got a stellar backup plan: Have Chuck committed to a mental asylum. What ever happened to just shipping your kids off to boarding school? (Spoiler alert: Later, Chuck lets Bart fall to his death off the roof of a skyscraper. So, a little added incentive not to try to kill your kid first.)
10. Ignore/Harass/Berate/Bully/Just Generally Be Mean to Your Kids.
Chuck’s dad bullies his son into doing his bidding. Blair’s mom harasses her about her weight and openly voices her preference for her daughter’s best friend (Serena). Dan’s absentee mom is absent. And Lily van der Woodsen does all of the above. And more.
11. Date Your Kid’s Friends.
This one is a bit complicated (unlike easy, breezy #1-10): Rufus Humphrey, father of Dan Humphrey, begins dating Ivy Dickens in season six. Ivy is introduced as the cousin of Serena — Rufus’ ex-step-daughter. Ivy turns out to not be who she says (who ever is on Gossip Girl?) but that’s besides the point. Serena’s actual dad, William van der Woodsen, also dates Ivy, soooooo.
12. Marry Your Daughter’s Boyfriend’s Dad.
Even if you got there first, like Lily (Serena’s mom) and Rufus (Dan’s dad). Once your kids start dating, getting married will make all sorts of uncomfortable family dynamics. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Go fishing in another gene pool.
13. Keep Your Secret Love Child a Secret.
Before all that, Lily and Rufus had a secret love child named Scott who Lily never told Rufus about. When Scott resurfaces, he doesn’t just affect Lily and Rufus, but both of their families too. And while Lily and Rufus try to do the right thing and reconnect, eventually everyone kind of just forgets about him. Not that Blake is trying to keep her baby a secret.
XOXO. WE ALL KNOW.