WARNING: It should be obvious by now, but if you have not watched this week's episode of The Walking Dead, get out of here. For everyone else, put the world's most obnoxious song on repeat and let's discuss what went down…
Don't mess with Daryl f**king Dixon.
On this week's episode of The Walking Dead, titled "The Cell," fans were reunited with Daryl, and forced to watch our favorite badass endure The Saviors' cruel and unusual punishments.
Here are the four most shocking revelations of the night…
1. Daryl Was Not on Easy Street: When we caught our first glimpse of Daryl since he was dragged off by Negan’s men at the end of the season 7 premiere, he was in the fetal position with his naked and filthy body lying on the cold floor of his Saviors' cell. Living off a disgusting diet of dog food sandwiches, Daryl was forced to listen to the same, mind-numbingly obnoxious song over and over and over again all day and night. It was truly painful to watch. (Don't believe us? It's called "Easy Street" by The Collapsable Hearts Club. Try to listen to it just once without dry heaving by the end of the chorus.)
2. There Are Three Ways to Live in Negan's World: During one exhilarating, yet terrifying moment of the episode, Daryl managed to escape from his cell and tried to free himself from his captor's clutches. Unfortunately, Negan and his band of merry men surrounded Daryl and presented him with his official options. "You have three choices," Negan smugly explained. "One: You wind up on the spike and you work for me as a dead man. Two: You get out of your cell and you work for points, but you're going to wish you were dead. Or three: You work for me. You get yourself a brand new pair of shoes and you live like a king."
3. Everything (and Everyone!) Belongs to Negan: Remember Dwight? To refresh your memory, he's the douche who held Daryl up at gunpoint in the burnt forest, put an arrow through Denise's eye, and then shot Daryl at the end of season six right before taking him to Negan. Well in tonight's episode, he acted as Daryl's parole officer/main psychological torturer and we got to know more about what happened to Dwight in those months in between his attempted escape from The Sanctuary and his burnt-face debut as one of Negan's right-hand men.
Negan explained to Daryl that a few months back, he was going to marry Tina, the "super-hot" sister of Dwight's wife Sherry. But after Tina was bitten by those walkers in the burnt-down greenhouse in the forest, and Negan captured Dwight and Sherry and brought them back to the Sanctuary, a new deal was made. "Dwight, he begged me not to kill Sherry, which I thought was cute, so I was just going to kill him," Negan revealed. "But then Sherry says she would marry me if I let Dwight live, which, if you think about it, that's a pretty screwed up deal because I was going to marry her sister until she wound up dead. But Sherry is super-hot and anyway, it was a start."
Negan continued, "But it wasn’t enough, so Dwight got the iron, and then I married his superhot wife. Well, ex-wife." Damn. That story was so sad and twisted that we almost feel bad for Dwight. Almost.
4. Don't Mess With Daryl: Whenever Negan asks one of his men, "Who are you?" the correct response is always: "Negan." So after weeks of isolation, physical violence, disgusting food, and listening to the same horrible pop song on repeat, Negan and Dwight thought that they had finally pushed Daryl to his breaking point. The two men offered Daryl a luxurious room with lush amenities, as well as a key place at Negan's side, if he could provide the correct answer to the following question: "Who are you?" After a long and heart-pounding pause, the fan favorite character answered defiantly, saying, "Daryl."
As Dwight was furiously slamming him back into his cell, Daryl explained the reason behind his choice. "I get why you did it. Why you took it," he said to Dwight. "You were thinking about someone else. That's why I cant."
The Walking Dead airs Sundays at 9 p.m. ET/PT on AMC.