18 Biggest Moments From Comedy Central's Incredibly Brutal Justin Bieber Roast
Comedy Central taped its Roast of Justin Bieber last night at Sony Studios in Culver City, Calif. featuring roastmaster Kevin Hart, and a lineup of roasters that included Ludacris, Shaquille O'Neal, Pete Davidson, Natasha Leggero, Jeff Ross, Chris D'Elia, Will Ferrell, Snoop Dogg, and, for some reason, Martha Stewart.
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With all of 21-year-old Justin's antics and mishaps, the roasters had more fodder for this roast than maybe ever. And we knew they wouldn't go easy on him, but damn!
Here are all the biggest moments you can look forward to on the telecast, as well as some moments you probably definitely can't.
1. Kevin Hart pulled no punches.
"Tonight, we are gonna do what [Justin's] parents and the legal system should have done a long time ago, said Kevin. "Give this boy an ass-whuppin' he deserves."
The mega-successful comedian was the roastmaster of the night, and despite his reputation as a pretty nice guy, he set the tone by "going there" early and often.
"Selena Gomez couldn't be here," joked Kevin. "Just because she didn't want to be here."
Ouch!
2. There were A LOT of Bill Cosby Jokes.
Besides Bieber, this was probably the favorite topic among the roasters, and one roaster-in-attendance was Hannibal Buress, the comedian whose stand-up set brought old allegations against Cosby to light, causing many more women to come forward.
Snoop Dogg remarked that Buress is "the only Bill Cosby accuser making money off of him."
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So yeah, it was that kind of roast.
3. A lot of Bruce Jenner jokes as well.
Kendall Jenner and Kourtney Kardashian were in the audience to bear the brunt of these jokes surrounding Bruce Jenner's rumored transition as well as all of the reports about his gender expression.
Comedian Jeff Ross was as controversial as ever when he suggested Khloe was the only "man in the family."
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4. Will Ferrell made a surprise appearance as Ron Burgundy.
We didn't get the Selena Gomez or the Seth Rogen we wanted, but Will Ferrell did show up as Ron Burgundy, Scotch in hand to deliver a stirring defense of Justin Bieber.
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The best moment from this by far was when Ferrell lampooned Justin Bieber's highly publicized peeing in a mop bucket followed by defacing a picture of former President Bill Clinton and saying "F**k Bill Clinton!" to which Ferrell replied, "there isn't a person in this room who hasn't done that!"
Everybody cry-laughed. It was amazing.
5. Justin brought out his monkey.
Or some other monkey, but after a night of jokes about the monkey he abandoned in Germany, this was a very satisfying reveal.
6. Dave Chappelle was totally in the audience.
Jeff Ross pointed this out in a shout out during his set and it was probably the biggest WTF moment. We're not saying it was unexpected, but during Bieber's rebuttal he joked that Kevin Hart was only the roastmaster because among others, Dave Chappelle was not available, which caused Dave to stand up like -- I'm right here!
It was glorious.
7. Scooter Braun wasn't mentioned much but when he was he looked deeply uncomfortable.
Justin Bieber's manager (and basically the man we have to thank for his career) made haste on the carpet and didn't seem to be enjoying the dais as much as everyone else. But he was the most uncomfortable when Kevin Hart basically called out Scooter for discovering Justin in a YouTube video... on the internet... when he was 12 years old.
When you put it that way, it is actually pretty creepy!
8. Kevin Hart and the stage manager seemed annoyed with each other and it was hilarious.
This of course won't be televised, but Kevin Hart vs. Joe is worth mentioning as a behind the scenes "taping a show" moments that personally amused us very much.
9. Poor Snoop Dogg is getting old (but he's too high to care).
He probably expected the weed jokes, but what Kevin Hart and the roasters really took the 43-year-old rapper to task for were the grays in his hair.
Still, Snoop didn't seem too phased when he took the mic, explaining, "I've been smoking and drinking -- I feel real good!"
Highlights from Snoop's set include him calling out Ludacris for "biting" on his rhymes 15 years later, straight up just hitting on Natasha Leggero (it was one of those "oh, he's not even joking" moments), and saying the "n-word" like a thousand times. That's an exaggeration, but not as big of one as you'd expect it to be!
10. To be fair, Ludacris got some "old" jokes too.
SNL's Pete Davidson remarked that "you might know Ludacris from your mom's 'That's What I Call Music' CD." It was a tough dais for aging rappers.
11. Ludacris made a Robitussin joke, and Justin Bieber thought it was REALLY funny.
After suggesting Justin insisted the after-party be sponsored by the cough syrup manufacturer, often used illicitly to make the drug concoction sizzurp, and you could hear Justin just dying. He lost it. That is all.
12. We sort of found out why Martha Stewart was there, and loved it.
The 73-year-old business mogul turned convicted felon showed up to offer Justin some lifestyle tips for going to prison. Apparently Martha advises making a shank out of a pintail comb and a pack of gum.
"Bubblelicious works best," suggests Martha.
Martha Stewart's roast was actually delightfully vulgar, mostly because of OMG, did they seriously just get Martha Stewart to make a sex joke about her bed linens?!
Beyond that, Martha was mostly there so everyone could poke fun of the fact that on a stage that included Snoop and Justin Bieber, it's Martha who has done the most jail time. Solid booking Comedy Central, this was hilarious.
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13. Shaquille O'Neal is gigantic and adorable.
He laughed at all the things, seemed to really be enjoying himself, made fun of Kazaam, and spanked Kevin Hart. We love you, Shaq!
14. Also Kevin Hart stood next to Shaq and it was amazing.
By the way, but Kevin Hart standing next to Shaq (among other tall people) is totally a beat we've covered, and if you enjoy the photo above, there's totally more where that came from here.
PICS: Kevin Hart Standing Next To Taller People Will Make Your Day
15. Natasha Leggero pretty much killed it.
After fielding a lot of shame-y, largely misogynistic humor, comedian Natasha Leggero got up and really helped the dais pick up steam. She added to the many "Kevin Hart is small" jokes by suggesting he'd be on the next season of Game of Thrones as "Peter Dinklage's shadow." That one received standing applause from Kevin himself.
Her set was arguably the funniest of the dais, until...
16. Hannibal Buress kept it so real and basically destroyed.
Hannibal Buress didn't really have many jokes. The comedian mostly just had honest opinions and the crowd died. It was so funny. It was the high point of the night.
"Justin, I don't like your music. I think it's bad man. I hate your music."
Actually, aside from being mentioned in many of the aforementioned Bill Cosby jokes, Hannibal was largely left alone on the panel of Roasters. When bringing him up, Kevin Hart suggested (in jest) that Hannibal was boring, and unfunny. That's when Buress got up and proved his brand of comedy can absolutely wreck a crowd.
"Thank you for letting me be here," said Buress. "Actually, you should thank me for being here in your extremely transparent attempt to be more likable in the public eye. I hope it doesn't work."
It was biting, honest, and real. Justin was going to have a lot to answer for. Did the pop star come through? Well...
17. Justin apologized and promised to be better.
After a few good jokes of his own ("What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours," and "Chris D'Elia gets a ton of girls. Wanna know why? 'Cause I'm a big fan of Chris D'Elia.), Justin ended the roast by continuing his apology tour.
"I was thrown into this at 12 years old," said Justin. "Through it all, I have lost some of my best qualities. For that, I'm sorry.
In addition to apologizing, Justin made a few promises.
"I will not end up broken, pathetic, bitter, or sitting on someone else's roast," said Justin. "I turned a lot of people off over the years, but I know I can still make good music and turn everything around."
18. But then backstage, he couldn't help himself from keeping it J.B.
When asked about what's next for him, Bieber said, "I'm going to Vegas. On my jet, b*tch!"
Sounds about right.
The Roast of Justin Bieber will air March 30 on Comedy Central.
Watch Justin Bieber sing "Baby" with a young fan.