9 Topics to Talk About During Thanksgiving Dinner (That Won't Start Any Family Fights)

by John Boone 7:30 AM PST, November 27, 2014

Thanksgiving dinner is a veritable minefield of potential drama. Any number of seemingly innocent conversations about, say, politics, religion, the past could easily lead to someone storming away from the table, screaming “Well, happy effing Thanksgiving.”

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Best to stick to these non-offensive, safe topics:

1. Anything Happening in Shondaland: Your mom is dying to talk about the winter finale of Scandal. And you know your aunt still watches Grey’s Anatomy. Talking Points: “OMG, I literally screamed at that twist on How to Get Away With Murder.“ “Grandma, do you know what Eiffel Towering is?” “Oh, you still watch Grey’s Anatomy?”

2. Who Will Win The Voice: There might be some hurt feelings over the midterm election, so discuss this voting instead. There is literally nothing dramatic about The Voice. Talking Points: “Do you think Gwen Stefani is a good judge?” “I’m going to get Blake Shelton drunk tonight.” “Can you tell any of the contestants apart?”

3. Viral Videos With Animals: Better yet, pull out your phone and show your entire family that video of the Shih Tzu in the bear costume walking on a treadmill. It will kill more time. Talking Points: “Awww!” “Can you believe Grumpy Cat is getting a movie?” “I wish our cat had talent. She’ll never go viral.”

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4. Serial: Maybe you don’t want to rehash the latest from Ferguson with that uncle, but the podcast Serial probably won’t be as problematic. Talking Points: “Do you think Adnan did it?” “Where is Jay?!? And what’s the deal with Jenn???!” “Mail…kimp?”

5. How Teresa Giudice Will Adjust to Life Behind Bars: Since you’re already on the topic of true crime, why not speculate what will happen when Real Housewives of New Jersey cast member and committer of fraud Teresa goes to jail? Talking Points: “Do you think Teresa is more of a Piper or a Crazy Eyes?” “I would watch that reality show.” “Who do you think would win in a fight, Juicy Joe or Caroline Manzo?”

6. All Celebrity Feuds: Take your pick. Anything to distract from your literal family feuds. Talking Points: “Who do you think would win in an actual fight: Gwyneth Paltrow or Martha Stewart? “Do you agree with Bette Midler that Arianna Grande is a whore?”

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7. Kim Kardashian’s Butt: There’s still a little bit of conversation to get out of that butt, right? Don’t let Kim down. Talking Points: “As a feminist, I believe women should be able to showcase their bodies in any way they choose.” “Do you think Kim Kardashian’s Paper Magazine cover is a silent protest against how mothers are perceived within the patriarchy?" “Yo, you think that butt is real?”

8. Your Favorite Taylor Swift Song: This could segue right into a post-dinner 1989 dance party! The perfect way to burn off some of those casserole cals and stop a tryptophan crash before it happens. Talking Points: “I really love ‘All You Had to Do Was Stay’ and ‘Wildest Dreams’ and ‘Clean’ and ‘New Romantics.’ Oh, and ‘I Wish You Would.’ Well, I just like it all.” “Got a lot of Starbucks lovers.” “Have you seen Harry Styles’ hair? ***Flawless!”

9. Beyoncé: A good rule of thumb is, 'When in doubt, talk about Beyoncé.' Talking Points: “I just love Beyoncé so much.”

Good luck! We hope no one cries!

If all else fails, make your family watch this Thanksgiving parody of "Shake It Off" starring Damian from Mean Girls: