Vienna Girardi is opening up about her journey as an angel mom, two years after her devastating miscarriage.
The Bachelor alum announced she was pregnant with twins in June 2017. "Twice the blessing, twice the fun," she excitedly wrote in an Instagram post of a sonogram of two babies. She gushed over "Twin A" and "Twin B," and soon after celebrated her gender reveal party. Then, five months into her pregnancy, she tragically suffered a miscarriage. Now, in an exclusive interview with ET's Lauren Zima airing tonight, Girardi is reflecting on her loss and revealing how her recent "angel mommy makeover" is helping her heal.
"I think about them every single day," Girardi says of her girls. "I haven't really taken down stuff in the spare bedroom that was for the nursery. I've been slowly trying to."
Girardi's babies were lost at 18 weeks to a rare condition called Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS), which occurs when the blood supply of one fetus is transferred to the other via the placenta. The former reality star went into septic shock while trying to save her daughters and almost lost her life, too. Girardi gets emotional recalling how hard the loss was for her.
"It took me a year, physically and emotionally, to recover and it was really difficult because I would look at myself in the mirror and I wouldn't feel like myself," she confesses. While Girardi's daughters were no longer with her, her body still displayed signs of a pregnancy, with her "mommy pouch" a constant reminder of the loss she suffered.
"I gained 25 pounds over that year from being depressed. It was really hard for me and I felt like it was a wound on top of a wound. Everytime I looked at myself, I hurt and then I got angry," Girardi recalls, with tears in her eyes.
"I still find myself not wanting to go out, going to do much. I didn't work out like I used to -- I just kind of gave up," she shares. "I feel like now is a wakeup call and it's get up move go be happy, go live your life."
The Florida native spoke with fellow Bachelor alum Erica Rose, who recently underwent a "mommy makeover"; Girardi remembers wanting to "look at myself and feel beautiful again."
"I had a mini mommy makeover," Girardi explains. "I'm going to get a little teary-eyed, because the last couple weeks, seeing myself, I finally feel comfortable putting a bathing suit on and finally feel comfortable looking at myself in the mirror and not feeling sad," she says.
Girardi's emotional healing was supported by her mom, who had multiple miscarriages herself. That experience allowed her to help her daughter through the loss. "She knew what I was going through," Girardi says, crying. "She was my rock."
As the 33-year-old notes, "we don't talk about miscarriages in society." "You don't talk about it. It's kind of unspoken," she declares. Since opening up about her story, however, Girardi has become a source of support to other women, who have also helped her in return. She's been inspired by those women who have gone on to have rainbow babies, a term coined for healthy babies born after a parent loses a child to miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss. After being "consumed" by her miscarriage, she's tried to just "be happy and enjoy my life for a while," but is now considering trying to get pregnant again, or become a mom through adoption.
"l'll never be able to let go or forget," says Girardi. "It's just [about] being OK and knowing that I'll get to see them one day in heaven."
See more from our interview with Girardi on Tuesday's ET. Find out how to watch here.