13 Fights Every Family Gets Into While Playing Monopoly
By John Boone
If your family plays a game of Monopoly and no one angrily throws the board across the room, were you really ever playing a game of Monopoly at all? This year, the classic game, which was first sold in 1935, is celebrating 80 years of making families turn on each other.
Here are the 13 fights every family gets into while playing Monopoly:
1. When Someone Hogs the Top Hat Piece: And you have to be the thimble. Everyone knows the power ranking of Monopoly “tokens”: Top hat, racecar, dog, battleship, shoe, iron, wheelbarrow, thimble.
2. When Someone Puts Multiple Hotels on Boardwalk: Then you land on it and don’t have enough money to pay the thousands of dollars you owe and go into bankruptcy and, you’re really going to take ALL my properties, mom?!
3. When the Banker Cheats: No one volunteers to be the banker unless they have a plan to embezzle from The Bank and stash extra hundreds under their legs. And keep the Bank bills organized, puh-lease.
4. As Well as All Other Cheating by All Other Players: You moved seven spaces, not six, little sister. You landed on Boardwalk and owe $2,000. Stop cheating. We see you. We ALL see you.
5. When You Keep Getting Sent to Jail and Everyone Laughs: So you haven’t made it around the board once yet. You have yet to pass go, you have yet to collect $200. You just keep landing on “Go to Jail” and your brother won’t sell you his “Get Out of Jail Free” card. And everyone thinks it’s real $%@*ing funny.
6. When Unfair Alliances Form:Grandma and grandpa, stop bailing each other out! Stop selling her all your properties for cheap! You can’t write each other IOUs! THIS ISN’T FAIR.
7. When Everyone Has a Different Interpretation of “Free Parking”: “FREE PARKING” IS NOT A THING! WHEN YOU LAND ON “FREE PARKING,” NOTHING HAPPENS! YOU DON’T GET TO TAKE A BUNCH OF MONEY FROM THE BANK.
8. When Someone Takes out the Rulebook to Prove Some Ridiculous Rule You’ve Never Heard Of: Like the fact that you can auction off properties for cheap if someone lands on one but either doesn’t buy it. No one plays that way. House rules say “NOPE.”
9. When Someone Is Clearly Just Out for Revenge: There are consequences when you force someone to be the thimble. You won’t know when it will happen, and you won’t know how it will happen, but they will make you pay. And they will relish every moment of your misery once they screw you over.
10. When Someone Lands on Your Property and Doesn’t Pay You Rent, Then Claims You Weren’t Paying Attention: I WAS IN THE BATHROOM. JUST PAY ME MY MONEY.
11. When the Sore Loser Tries to Quit Six Hours Into the Game: Your little brother lost his stake in the railroads, threw all his money on the board, and ran out of the room crying. But you can’t get out of a game of Monopoly that easy. There’s at least two hours left in this game.
12. When the Game Never Ends: WHY WON’T IT JUST END ALREADY?
13. And When It Finally Ends and You Don’t Just Lose, You Fail Miserably, Mortgage All Your Properties, and Face the Humiliation of a Board Game: F.M.L. F all of our Ls.
Here’s to 80 more years of family...uh, fun! To mark this occasion, Monopoly is releasing a retro board with classic tokens from over the years and will host a World Championship event in China later this year. Which should be totally fun and not at all tense.
To bring some joy back to your life, watch Will Ferrell lip sync Beyoncé: