If you thought the biggest bombshell of the day would be the revelation that Taylor Swift wrote the hit song, "This Is What You Came For" -- under the pen name Nils Sjoberg -- then you didn't know just how real Calvin Harris could keep it.
"Amazing lyric writer and she smashed it as usual," the DJ initially tweeted about the Rihanna-sung track. And then he started to get defensive: "I wrote the music, produced the song, arranged it and cut the vocals though. And initially she wanted it kept secret, hence the pseudonym," he tweeted.
WATCH: Calvin Harris Slams 'Hurtful' Taylor Swift, Says She's Looking for Someone New to 'Bury Like Katy'
Though he never mentions her by name -- we know who you're talking about, Calvin! Just tag @taylorswift instead of writing the most unsubtle subtweets in the history of subtweeting! -- he makes a number of bold claims. We break them down below:
1. That Her Team Manipulates the Media: Calvin doesn't target his grievances towards "the media" or "tabloids" or any of the usual targets in a seemingly contentious celebrity breakup -- he blames Taylor and her team, specifically.
"Hurtful to me at this point that her and her team would go so far out of their way to try and make ME look bad at this stage though" the poor, hurt millionaire disc jockey wrote, implying some sort of shady dealing by Team Taylor to smear his name.
Taylor's rep *did*, in fact, confirm that she wrote the song -- though her intention behind going on the record remains unclear. Does the fact that Taylor wrote a Calvin Harris song make him look bad? If yes, how so?
2. That She's Trying to Make Him Look Bad: Since the couple once known as "Tayvin" split last month, it has been a he said, she said -- or source said, source said -- as to what went wrong. The breakup was "100 percent" Calvin and Taylor was talking about marriage, a source told ET...but the speed at which the pop star rebounded with Tom Hiddleston raised some questions.
"I figure if you're happy in your new relationship you should focus on that instead of trying to tear your ex bf down for something to do," he tweeted. Again: not exactly clear what Taylor is doing to allegedly "tear him down," but perhaps that's a tweet for another day.
WATCH: Taylor Swift Is the Top-Earning Celeb of 2016 -- Find Out How Much She Made!
3. That Her Feud With Katy Perry Is Very Real: "I know you're off tour and you need someone new to try and bury like Katy ETC but I'm not that guy, sorry. I won't allow it," Calvin said, confirming Taylor and Katy Perry's long-running feud.
Not that Taylor and Katy hadn't all but confirmed it themselves, what with the Rolling Stone coyness and the subtweets and the vows to never, ever, ever talk about the other again and possibly a shady perfume, even. But "bury" is certainly an interesting choice of words...
The "Roar" singer obviously responded to the latest drama, sliding into the universal timeline with a Hillary Clinton reaction GIF and retweeting her own tweet from over a year ago: "Time, the ultimate truth teller."
4. That Her Feud With Katy Perry Was Not the First: The way Calvin implies Taylor buries people makes it sound like it's a full-on hobby. "I'm bored today, whose career can I ruin?" But more importantly: Who is the "ETC"?! Kanye West? Kim Kardashian? An ex-#squadee? Post the receipts, Calvin!
The DJ tried to put a bow on his Twitter rant by writing, "Please focus on the positive aspects of YOUR life because you've earned a great one" -- but maybe do that after you've tweeted back, Taylor. Because this mess is JUICY!
Meanwhile, Taylor's new beau, Thor star Tom Hiddleston, shut down a question about Taylor during an Australian interview. Watch the uncomfortable moment in the video below.