Tori and Dean are back for season 2 of the controversial Lifetime docu-drama True Tori, and if you thought they had all their marital problems finally figured out, you were wrong. Also, why would you watch the show?
For those new to the series, let's catch up really quick. True Tori follows actress Tori Spelling and her husband, actor Dean McDermott, as they try to reconcile their marriage following Dean's time in rehab for drug and alcohol abuse, and alleged infidelity.
For a show built on a struggling marriage, you'd think it would be a melodramatic nightmare full of tense conversations and uncomfortable silences -- and you'd be right.
Watching True Tori feels like when you were a child and you went over to your friend's house for dinner, and your friend's parents fought loudly in the kitchen, and it was incredibly awkward.
But let's try to find the fun in one super dysfunctional show. Here are the six most wonderfully uncomfortable moments from the season 2 premiere of True Tori.
1. Dean Is Living the Sober Life Solo
As the premiere begins, Dean and Tori have just gotten back from a long beach vacation, and the pressures of the real world are starting to build. Dean admits to feeling down, which the couple's therapist warns could lead to him slipping back into the comfort of his vices.
But at least he has a sponsor! Oh, wait, nope. Never mind. Dean admits to his therapist that he just hasn't found anyone he can relate to or feel comfortable with. Then the show plays the same music horror movies use to indicate the killer has gotten into the house.
2. Tori Needs To See A Photo Of Dean's Mistress
According to True Tori, Dean and Tori made a pact to never read the magazine article that revealed Dean's infidelity, and Tori claims to have never seen the woman Dean allegedly cheated on her with.
She does, however, have a picture of Dean's mistress in her mind.
Tori says she pictures her as having long black hair, tied back, and pale skin. "She's an Amish girl from the 1600s," Tori adds, helpfully.
Of course, she isn't content to just use her imagination, so Tori convinces her best friends to bring her a copy of the magazine article with the woman's photo. Her friends, who keep insisting that it's a terrible idea, do it anyway, and bring her a photocopy of the magazine.
Although the most awkward part of this whole scenario is that apparently Tori hasn't considered just hopping on Google.
3. Dean Freaks Out On Tori After She Learns That Her Show Got Cancelled
At one point Tori and Dean have a few friends over for either the lamest party ever or just some weird five person hangout. During this meeting of the minds, news breaks on the internet that Tori's show Mystery Girls has been cancelled. Dean tries to console her, but Tori pushes him away. So Dean freaks out and walks out of the room. Good times.
This had all the great hallmarks of a skin-crawling moment of discomfort. A person getting bad news in front of friends? Check. A couple fighting for no reason? Check. Clearly not enough snacks or drinks for their guests? Check.
4. All Of The Intimate Scenes Of Them In Bed
It's easy to forget cameras are recording this whole show, and that's mostly because the cameras have such good angles. But, when Tori and Dean are in bed together, some of the shots they get imply that the camera operators basically must be in lying in bed with them. Just picture that, and keep that image in mind next time you watch True Tori. It's magnificently bizarre.
5. Tori Tells Dean She Thinks She Might Be Pregnant
Tori tells her therapist that she's late, and thinks she might be preggers (as is the scientific term). She also reveals that she hasn't told Dean. Reasonably, her therapist suggests that he might want to know.
Eventually, late at night, while he's half asleep, she breaks the news. Struggling to wrap his head around the moment, Dean seemingly compares her pregnancy to his migraines, and follows it up with a good old fashioned "Don’t worry about it."
It wasn't the response Tori was hoping for. Although, it seems impossible to figure out what response Tori is looking for in any situation.
Dean always seems like he's walking on egg shells... which are laid out over a land mine... that's inside the laser hallway from Oceans' 12.
6. We All Get To Watch Tori Pee
This is an actual thing that actually happened on your actual television. Because she needed to take a pregnancy test, and you can't possibly do that behind closed doors. SPOILERS: She's not pregnant, which she's incredibly relieved to find out as the thought of having another child was stressing her out.
Meanwhile, you had to watch an adult pee on television. So, sorry about that.
There were some sweet and heartfelt moments hidden throughout the show. Like when Dean and Tori discover that Tori isn't pregnant, Dean explains how he's relieved, but also a little sad because he loves kids and they, as a couple, produce great offspring.
However, less sweet was the scene where Tori explains how she doesn't blame Dean's mistress because Tori had sex with Dean the first night they met, despite the fact that they were both married to other people at the time. The look on her friend's face when she hears this is a masterpiece of judgment.
Check out the clip below for Tori's sexual confession, and you can catch an all new True Tori on Tuesdays at 9/8c on Lifetime.
You can also follow Zach Seemayer on Twitter @ZachSeemayer