Amanda Kloots Says She's 'Scared of My New Normal' After Nick Cordero's Memorial

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Nick Cordero was remembered by friends and family at an intimate memorial on Saturday. The Broadway star's widow, Amanda Kloots, took to Instagram on Sunday to share details of the emotional event -- and reveal that she's "scared of my new normal" without her husband. 

Cordero died on July 5, after 95 days in the ICU battling complications from coronavirus. In that time, the performer had his leg amputated, lost 65 pounds, and was put in a coma. In her post on Sunday, Kloots said her husband would have wanted his memorial "to be a celebration." "'Let’s try to laugh, share great stories and sing for him and to his memory,'" she said she told the few guests in attendance. "He would have loved it. It was beautiful and perfect. His spirit was definitely there." 

"We listened to the song, 'I’m Here,' from The Color Purple," Kloots continued. "Nick and I saw this show on Broadway years ago and we left the theater in tears, speechless. As it was being played last night the lyrics in the second half of the song hit me hard." 

"Truly, I am scared. Scared of my new normal, of the pain, the loss and being strong enough to get through it," she admitted. "But, I know Nick is up above routing for me, believing in me and hoping for me. He wants me to LIVE this new life and he wants me to be the best version of myself for our son. I promised him in the hospital that I would try to do that. So, when I heard these lyrics yesterday I thought, 'Ok. When I’m doubting if I can get through this, I’m playing this song. It will be my motto.'" 

Kloots wrote that she never thought she'd be on this journey, but she's taking it "one day, one step at a time." "I have faith that God is leading the way and that Nick is our angel," she shared. 

The fitness trainer concluded her post by sharing the lyrics to "I'm Here," and encouraging fans to listen to Cynthia Erivo's rendition of the song.  

View this post on Instagram

We had a small memorial yesterday with close family and friends. I said, “Nick would have wanted this to be a celebration. Let’s try to laugh, share great stories and sing for him and to his memory.” He would have loved it. It was beautiful and perfect. His spirit was definitely there. We listened to the song, I’m Here, from The Color Purple. Nick and I saw this show on Broadway years ago and we left the theater in tears, speechless. As it was being played last night the lyrics in the second half of the song hit me hard. Truly, I am scared. Scared of my new normal, of the pain, the loss and being strong enough to get through it. But, I know Nick is up above routing for me, believing in me and hoping for me. He wants me to LIVE this new life and he wants me to be the best version of myself for our son. I promised him in the hospital that I would try to do that. So, when I heard these lyrics yesterday I thought, “Ok. When I’m doubting if I can get through this, I’m playing this song. It will be my motto.” This is a long journey ahead and a down road I never thought I’d be on. No one can tell me how to do it, I have to do it. I may do things right, I may do them wrong. There isn’t a perfect way. One day, one step at a time. I have faith that God is leading the way and that Nick is our angel. In case you don’t know this song and are also in need of a motto, here are the lyrics. Do yourself a favor by listening to @cynthiaerivo sing it. “I'm gonna take a deep breath. Gonna hold my head up. Gonna put my shoulders back, And look you straight in the eye. I'm gonna flirt with somebody When they walk by. I'm gonna sing out . . . Sing out. I believe I have inside of me Everything that I need to live a bountiful life. With all the love alive in me I'll stand as tall as the tallest tree. And i'm Thankful for everyday that i'm given, Both the easy and hard ones i'm livin'. But most of all I'm thankful for Loving who I really am. I'm beautiful. Yes, I’m beautiful, And I’m here.”

A post shared by AK! ⭐️ (@amandakloots) on

Kloots had been keeping fans updated on Cordero's health amid his hospital stay, and has shared her grief with followers after his death.

Last week, Kloots told fans that she finds herself still talking to her late husband.

"It often times doesn't hit me until night when I'm going to sleep," the mom to 1-year-old Elvis said. "I don't know if there's a right answer. I don't think there's a right answer to grief or how someone grieves. That's different for everybody." 

"I said to Nick. I was like, 'You know me. This is what I would be doing. I would keep going. I would keep moving. I would keep working.' I thought maybe that would make him laugh because I think he's listening."

"At the same time, it's so hard and when it does hit you, it's so hard," she said. "But I know that it's gonna get easier every day."

See more in the video below. 

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