Beanie Feldstein Pens Touching Essay About the Death of Her and Jonah Hill's Brother

Beanie Feldstein
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Actress Beanie Feldstein, Jonah Hill's younger sister, is opening up about the death of their older brother, Jordan Feldstein, in a new, emotional essay.

"It is impossible. Grief is just impossible," she writes in the piece for InStyle titled "Grief Glasses." "It cannot be contained or summarized or enclosed. To describe the wound grief leaves if you have not experienced it is to come to it hazy and out of focus. But then there are those of us that unfortunately see grief in sharp, unrelenting focus."

"It's like all of a sudden, a pair of glasses were strapped to my face," the Lady Bird actress continues. "And I can't take them off. Ever. And these glasses make me see the world differently than I did before. The colors bleed together more vividly. But they are somehow more than they ever were before. More visceral. More vibrant. More present. Simultaneously more awe inspiring and more aching. Sometimes I can push the glasses to the end of my nose so I can peer over them to see the world the way I used to see. But I can only see over or around to my old perspective. I can never see it totally as it was ever again."

Jordan died in December 2017 from a pulmonary embolism; he was just 40 years old. He was best known as the manager for Maroon 5.

Beanie writes that Jordan was a "remarkably generous, intelligent, loving person. He was an incredible father, beloved by his boys. He was a deeply devoted son. He was a brilliant creative mind. And he was my biggest brother. He gave me so many things, including my name."

"A year ago, I found myself unwillingly in a new club," she adds. "Well, new to me. A club that has existed for all eternity. A club that I wish did not exist."

"It is a club full of suffering and questioning, but is also a community of people that have a truly broadened perspective on the human experience. And if you are also in the club, please know you are not alone, because I am also a begrudging member," the 25-year-old shares, concluding, "And while I wish I could rip my grief glasses off my face and have it all be a dream, I try to recognize what the glasses have given me: that unique blend of humanity that is simultaneously the darkest dark and the brightest bright."

Beanie has also shared her essay on Instagram, where it was met with a flood of support from followers and fellow celebs. Olivia Wilde, who directed Beanie in the upcoming comedy Booksmart, commented, "Beautiful, profound, and deeply generous. You are incredible."

Prior to Maroon 5's massive Super Bowl halftime show performance in February, lead singer Adam Levine spoke with ET's Kevin Frazier about Jordan's death and how he wished he could be there for their big show.

"I am here because of me, and I am here because of the band, but I am here because of Jordan," Levine said. "This was our thing, you know? This is what we wanted."

"Ultimately when looking at all this stuff and needing him and listening for him, that was a huge factor in all of this -- accepting this challenge [to perform] and a challenge it has been, obviously," Levine added. "But I got it. At the end of the day, I know what he wanted me to do, and I know how he would have wanted me to do it. So, it's gotten me this far, you know? I feel like he is always with me somehow. He is there."


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