"Secrets are only scary when they are secrets."
Hilaria Baldwin is opening up about why she came forward in the midst of a likely miscarriage.
On Tuesday, the 35-year-old yoga instructor sat down for an interview with Today and penned an essay about her current pregnancy for Glamour, less than a week after she revealed she was "most likely suffering a miscarriage." Hilaria's current pregnancy is her fifth; she and husband Alec Baldwin already share Carmen, 5, Rafael, 3, Leonardo, 2, and Romeo, 10 months.
In Glamour, Hilaria explains that, while she and Alec weren't "actively trying" for a fifth baby, they did know they "wanted one more baby" and "excitement" quickly began to set in when they found out they were expecting.
Hilaria first discovered that something was amiss when she went in for a scan and the technician wasn't chipper like usual, instead, there was silence, which Hilaria describes as lasting "an eternity."
"The silence makes you very nervous. And so this technician, she just kept on being quiet and kept on trying to find a heart beat... She could find it and then you'd listen to it and... [it'd be] very spread apart, kind of slow," Hilaria said on Today. "... And she said to me, 'The heartbeat is not very fast.' And then I went in again -- and, in the life of an embryo, days, a week, it's completely different -- and it was the same."
Though she hasn't gotten the final confirmation that she's experiencing a miscarriage, Hilaria told the morning show that she'll likely know for sure after her Tuesday appointment, but isn't optimistic.
"I'm pretty sure that this is not gonna stick," she admitted. "And, you know what, when we agree to be parents we have to accept the good and the bad. Whether our child gets a scraped knee or gets their heart broken when they're a teenager or gets really sick, or God forbid something worse, we have to realize that it's not just all diapers and blankets and hair bows. We have to open our hearts and realize that there's gonna be hard moments too."
Hilaria had previously decided to share any future pregnancy news early because of the public nature of her life, because, she wrote in Glamour, she didn't want to deal with "terrible morning sickness and presumptuous questions about why you aren’t drinking" alone.
"It’s a lot to ask of me, but for me personally it would be harder to do it silently," she said of keeping her public promise on Today. "... Being open, for me, just allowed me to relieve it a little bit. Also, for people, secrets are only scary when they are secrets. Once you let the secret out, it's not so scary any more."
Instead of the happy news she was hoping to share with her followers, it ended up being sad news, something that only made Hilaria more confident in her decision to go public about her pregnancy.
"I wanted to come out and speak about it because it’s something so many people deal with and, as women, we're trained to deal with it silently," she said on Today. "You're definitely not supposed to say anything before 12 weeks. And some of that is because people are superstitious or that's how they feel that they're going to be stronger and a lot of it for other people is fear. And I don’t think we have to live with such fear."
"We just need to be a little bit more forgiving of ourselves and not such perfectionists because it's hard enough as it is," she continued on the morning show. "Being able to be open and speak to other people... I got great advice. This is something I've never gone through before and women came on my Instagram or stopped me on the street and gave me such wisdom, you know? This isn't about me, this is about all of us."
In her Glamour essay, Hilaria expands on her fear, writing, "If you lose the baby, people are going to blame you, for eating the wrong way, for sleeping on the wrong side, for exercising too much or too little."
"Having a miscarriage would hurt if I went through it in silence and it would hurt if I lost the pregnancy in front of everybody, I realized," she continues in the magazine. "At least sharing my story might help me and other women dealing with a miscarriage to find support."
Despite, she writes in Glamour, feeling "so, so, so sad" about the outcome of her pregnancy, Hilaria sat down with Alec and wrote the Instagram post that quickly went viral.
"The photo, I am known for taking pregnancy photos like this," she said of the bikini shot on Today. "... I’m comfortable what I’m showing. And this is also my baby. This is my baby, my other babies are my bay and I take these belly photos and this baby deserves the same kind of love and attention and acceptance as the other ones. Even if it's not gonna stick around for very long."
Hilaria concluded her Today interview by discussing the "genuine loss" that comes from miscarrying and offering advice on how to deal with devastating experience.
"I am somebody, that, even though I'm feeling it and it's hard and it's not what I want, I understand it. This is nature. There's something probably off... and I have to accept that," she said. "Then there are other people who are going to feel a different way. I have four children. I get to go home and hug them. There are plenty of stories on my Instagram, that's not other peoples’ stories. And those people, for me, are so strong. People were telling me they had 11 miscarriages and no children and they are still there. They're still showing up. They're bringing love onto my Instagram. I mean that is so inspiring. I have so much respect for them."
"Whenever you can see people with all different experiences and walks of life coming together about an issue, supporting and sharing, that is beautiful," she adds in Glamour.
Watch the video below for more on the Baldwins:
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