11 Lessons Teresa Giudice Could Learn From 'Orange Is the New Black' Before Prison
By John Boone
Teresa Giudice, Real Housewife of New Jersey and woman paid to yell at people on TV, has been sentenced to 15 months in federal prison for stealing money from the government (alongside her husband, Juicy Joe, who was sentenced to 41 months). Not great. But she does have a few months to prepare herself before she needs to turn herself in — plenty of time to binge watch both seasons of Orange Is the New Black (available on Netflix!) and educate herself:
1. No More Crying.
According to court reports (and some truly brutal court sketches), Teresa cried throughout her entire sentencing. And this is a sad situation: Children will be without their mother for a year. Generally you are supposed to consider that before committing a federal crime, but hindsight is 20/20. With that said, Teresa needs to get her crying out now. Like Chapman, she can’t show any weakness on the inside.
2. Seriously, Stop Crying.
That sh*t won’t fly in here. Learn from Piper.
3. Don’t Expect (Any More) Special Privileges.
Teresa already managed to push her prison start date back so she can spend the holidays with her family. She also got a few months shaved off her sentence for having a generally good disposition (clearly the judge hasn’t seen how she acts at a dinner party). She should try not to eff that up with diva behavior behind bars. No one cares that she was on Bravo.
Even if the other inmates don’t particularly care, they will be aware that Teresa was a Real Housewife. So she should try to claim a nickname for herself — like T-Gucci or Mobstress, or Taystee, if she can’t think of anything more creative — before one of the ladies starts calling her, we don’t know, “Real Bitchwife.” Or “No Forehead Whore.” Something like that.
5. Learn How to Barter.
We’re assuming Teresa won’t have any credit at the commissary on account of how she has no money. So it wouldn’t hurt to develop a unique skill set — making burritos out of a tampon and toilet water? Or hooch, like Pousséy? — to barter for cigarettes. Or whatever people buy in prison these days.
6. Try to Avoid a Dramatic Lesbian Relationship.
Teresa has had enough lady-on-lady drama to last her a lifetime. Best to just sleep in her own bunk. She doesn’t need to piss off a meth-head with a Jesus complex.
7. Pick Your Battles.
Teresa can’t even get through a reunion special without cussing some “skank bitch” out. In the Real world, she can flip the table and call someone a “PROSTITUION WHOR-AH” just because they told her to pay attention, but if she tries that in prison she will probably get shanked in her sleep.
In prison, you need to have someone’s back so that somebody has your back. So Teresa can’t go around talking bad behind people’s back and burning bridges with her prison friends over brunch. Basically: On the first day, Teresa should find whoever is most like Caroline “Thick as Thieves” Manzo, and befriend her. Caroline Manzo would do really well in prison, don’t you think?
9. Please Think of the Children.
Aleida was not a good role model for her daughter, Daya, and that’s why they both ended up serving time together. Teresa’s daughter, Gia, seems like a bright kid with a good head on her shoulders. So pull your crap together once you get out, Teresa. Be an example. No matter how successful Bravo thinks a mother-daughter prison reality show would be.
10. Don’t Do Drugs.
This is just good life advice. But if Teresa needs more convincing, look at the track record of OITNB characters who did drugs: dead in a closet, beaten to death, dead on the side of road, dead. Plus, Vee was really mean.
11. Don’t Steal From the Government.
Er...guess she learned that from her own life. Well, ya live, ya learn.
UPDATE: Turns out this advice might actually be more useful than even we though. Teresa will serve her sentence at the Federal Correctional Institution, Danbury, the same facility that inspired OITNB.