9 Things That Happened in 2014 That Ruined Your Childhood
By John Boone
This was not a good year to have had a childhood.
Apparently nothing is sacred anymore, because with everything that’s happened in 2014, we’ll never be able to look at our childhoods the same. Some crimes against our childhood were obviously worse than others (a bad musical vs. actual, horrible crimes), so we’ll ease into this list.
We’re sorry for everything you’re about to read. Sorry for us and for you.
1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: This is what happens when Michael Bay gets his hands on something you love. Because the first few TMNT life-action movies didn’t fully tarnish our love for the half shelled heroes, this was forced on us. Terrifying CGI turtle monsters and Megan Fox as April O'Neil? Not our April O'Neil. Not ever.
2. J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter Regrets: Since the Harry Potter series has ended, Rowling has made a number of revelations, some good (Dumbledore is gay!) and some horrible, no good, and very bad. She regrets having Hermoine and Ron fall in love?! And wanted Harry and Hermoine to end up together?! Then why did we bother shipping Ronoine for YEARS?
3. Lifetime’s Unauthorized Saved By the Bell Story: A movie about what went on behind the scenes of Bayside High? That sounds fun! Oh, it’s just the cast fighting for attention and having sex and doing drugs? That’s less...fun. Now even the episodes that were supposed to be dramatic (I’M SO EXCITED! I’M SO EXCITED! I’M SO SCARED!) are just kind of sad. And gross.
4. Why Disney Characters Don’t Have Moms: It’s always been sad that characters like Cinderella and Ariel don’t have mothers, but the reason why they don't is absolutely devastating. While promoting the Angelina Jolie version of Maleficent this year, producer Don Hahnrevealed that Walt Disney bought his parents a home and there was a leaky furnace that killed his mom. We’ll never watch Bambi the same way again.
5. They Killed Off Archie: In the Life With Archie series, Archie died a hero — he stopped someone from killing his best friend Kevin, who happens to be Archie Comics’ first openly gay character — but he still DIED. The Archie comics have always been a fun, carefree read. People aren’t supposed to get SHOT TO DEATH.
6. Creepy Paddington the Bear: We only had the fondest of memories of Paddington the Bear. He was so polite. He loved marmalade. He was not a serial killer, as this creepy movie version seems to want us to believe. Thus was born the “Creepy Paddington” meme, which spawned horrifying results like the one above.
7. Peter Pan Live! Remember all those songs you loved as a child? And the magical feelings that Tinkerbell and Neverland evoked within you? What if we took all that and made it real awkward and serious and took all the fun parts and made them boring? And Christopher Walken played Captain Hook? Do you think you’d like that?
8. Bill Cosby: Here’s where the list goes from petty grievances about reboots and remakes to things that have actually affected people’s lives. Countless women — supermodel Janice Dickinsonamong them — came forward this year and accused Bill Cosby of rape and sexual assault, though he has never been charged and denies everything. We could never see him as just Cliff Huxtable, or the pudding pop guy, again.
9. Stephen Collins: More horrifying accusations: In October, audio leaked that was alleged to be formed 7th Heaven patriarch — and TV pastor — Stephen Collins admitting to molesting and exposing himself to multiple children in the past. If there were still 7th Heaven reruns on TV, you would never be able to watch them.
How could you? How could you know that and watch a scene like this:
Thankfully, the network pulled 7th Heaven. The Cosby Show too.
Sorry to end on such a downer. Your childhood has already been ruined, we hope we didn’t ruin your day too. Remember all the other good things! Until 2015, when people find a way to ruin those too!
Let’s shake off all this horribleness, just like these celebrities did when they covered Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off”: