Warning: Spoiler alert! Do not proceed if you haven't watched Tuesday's episode of Roseanne...
Beverly is up to her old ways, but now it's even more annoying for Roseanne and Jackie to live with her.
On Tuesday's episode of Roseanne, titled "No Country for Old Women," we get a little more insight into how little Bev (Estelle Parsons) has changed even now that she's been kicked out of her nursing home, a reveal that initially came two weeks ago, along with the return of The Big Bang Theory's Johnny Galecki as Darlene's on-again, off-again beau.
The episode kicks off with Bev, still as cranky and dismissive of her daughters as ever, complaining about how hard it is to sleep at Roseanne (Roseanne Barr) and Dan's home because of how loud it is there, prompting Dan (John Goodman) and Jackie (Laurie Metcalf) to spar over if Bev should be at the Conners or in Jackie's apartment, which happens to have a spare bedroom.
"I hate her," Jackie whines, to which Roseanne replies, "I'm older, so I hated her first."
Things are calm at the house for a little while -- Roseanne, Bev, Darlene and Darlene's daughter, Harris, all sit together for a game of poker alongside two more ladies we've been waiting to return to the reboot: Crystal (Natalie West), Roseanne's longtime friend and former co-worker who was married to Dan's dad in the show's first run -- a very May-December romance -- and Nancy (Sandra Bernhart), who was once dating one of Dan's poker buddies (Arnie, played by Barr's then real-life husband, Tom Arnold) but came out as a lesbian during the original run. If you were hoping for more than a quick appearance of these two, sorry -- this brief scene is all you're getting at the moment.
Since nothing is ever calm for long in the Conner household, Roseanne and Bev quickly start fighting. When Nancy starts talking about a hot lady she matched with on a dating app, the group debates if it's easier to date men or women, which somehow leads to a showdown of who's bossier, Roseanne or Bev. Pointing out all of Roseanne's poorer characteristics as they bicker, Bev purposely opens up the fridge just to piss Roseanne off. While it's an annoying and a very Bev move, it doesn't seem like one that would cause someone to kick a person out of their home. But, this is Roseanne, so at 6 a.m., Roseanne drags her mother to Jackie's apartment.
"It's technically Monday. You're it," Roseanne explains to Jackie without even stepping through the front door. She turns away, and it's way too early in the morning for Jackie to put up a legitimate argument.
Bev doesn't waste any time in pointing out Jackie's faults, namely that there is one lame chair in front of a TV set in her living room, which will obviously not attract any men. Jackie is tired of listening to the insults and announces that as "a certified life coach," it's time for them to finally talk out their problem, to which Bev quips that she loves her daughter's passion but a life coach should be "somebody who has a life."
"Have you ever seen The Godfather?" Jackie asks her mother, who had not, leading her to plant a kiss on her mom's lips as she held the sides of Bev's face. "Buena nota, Mama."
When Jackie wakes up the next day, all of her furniture has been moved around. She starts yelling through the spare bedroom wall that her mom is "a manipulative, narcissistic psychopath."
"Not an insult. I'm just giving you a head's up on the eulogy," she adds, opening the door to discover Bev isn't there.
Turns out Bev has run away to live with Roseanne's oldest daughter, Becky (Alicia Goranson), prompting Jackie and Roseanne to high-five over their life win -- as Roseanne is driving her Uber to find Bev, naturally.
Becky lasts about a half a day with her grandmother, running back to her mom's house to announce to Roseanne and Jackie: "She's having sex right now in my apartment with a very old man." Sure, it's only 4 o'clock, but Bev and the guy went to dinner, came back, and, according to Becky, "immediately started doing it." Becky demands that her mom and aunt go get their mother, or she'll stay in her childhood home eating until they do.
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It's not just any old man that Bev is with, however. Roseanne and Jackie go to retrieve their mother, only to be introduced to Bev's boyfriend, Lou, played by guest star Christopher Lloyd, who sadly doesn't have much to do in the scene but act like an old dude. Bev returns the introduction, explaining that Roseanne and Jackie "treat me like a fly in the potato salad."
Despite the always bitter family dynamic, the girls truly do have to decide who Bev is going to live with, a point Bev herself drives home, explaining that "it's too hard" to keep dragging her stuff back and forth between their homes. (Let's note that at this point, it's been about 48 hours and not months of carrying her stuff around in suitcases, but we get it: There are only 23 minutes in a sitcom and Bev is 90).
Watching Roseanne and Jackie go back and forth is kind of like playing Rock, Paper, Scissors against your will: we all know no one's going to win. As the youngest, Jackie points out that even though she knows neither one of them wants to live with their mom, it would be especially hard for her. "You know she picks me apart way worse than you," she explains to her sister. At the very least, Roseanne refuses to take her mother to the county facilities, which shows some humanity considering the beratings this trio constantly puts themselves through.
They haven't quite decided what to do, but it's time to get the heck out of Becky's apartment. Jackie goes into the bedroom to retrieve her mother, only to find Bev attempting to climb out the window. "You won't be happy until I'm gone, so this is for you," Bev announces. (She has finally watched The Godfather, and this is apparently the appropriate reaction.)
Bev tries to fully lift herself out of the window, and although Jackie at first called her out for faking the gesture just to get a reaction, this now fully terrifies her. "You're freaking me out! I love you! I don't want you to die," Jackie yells, pulling her mom back into the room. "Get in here, you crazy old woman."
So, why pull this woman she seemingly hates to safety? Bev's wondering the same thing. "My life would be better without you but it would be so much better if it was better with you," Jackie explains.
Even though all Jackie has ever sought is her mom's approval, she realizes it would be far worse to lose her. They'll go to therapy, which may take 10 years to even begin to scratch the surface of their issues. "I just keep asking you for something you can't give me, but I'm going to have to work on that if you're going to live with me," Jackie concedes.
In the end, Roseanne is pretty thrilled to have Bev out of the house, giving Jackie a genuine, loving hug and promising to take their mom off Jackie's hands once a week. But it's Dan who's the most ecstatic of all, sending Jackie off with a magnet as a kind gesture for "saving our lives."
Considering this was the first we saw of Jackie's apartment -- and don't even get us started as to where her son, Andy, is -- there isn't a big chance of getting more of Bev this season, but that may not be the worst thing. Their mother-daughter dynamic was tough to watch in the show's original run, even if it laid the groundwork for how Roseanne and Jackie turned out the way they did. Nonetheless, now we at least know what happens to Bev now that the nursing home isn't an option.