WARNING: We're about to freak out over everything that has just happened in Game of Thrones' seventh season premiere. If you do not want to be spoiled, leave now -- but we suggest avoiding any route through Riverrun!
"Shall we begin?"
Those three words may have ended Sunday night's season seven premiere of Game of Thrones, but we can't think of a better way to kick off tonight's recap of the most insane moments!
"Dragonstone" took us on a triumphant return home, introduced us to a surprise musical guest star, and brought together an unlikely potential alliance -- but absolutely nothing could top the episode's viciously satisfying cold open, courtesy of Arya Stark.
We quickly realized that Arya was using her handy-dandy, identity-stealing assasin skills that she learned from the Faceless Men, as "Walder Frey" gathered up "every Frey who means a damn thing" into the same room and tricked them into drinking their doom.
As the Frey men began to violently vomit up blood, "Walder" gleefully taunted them over their mistake of not killing absolutely all of the Starks. "Leave one wolf alive, and the sheep are never safe," he sneered.
Once the mass murder was complete, Arya calmly ripped off her Walder mask and turned to the lone handmaid whose life she had spared. "When people ask you what happened here, tell them, 'The North remembers.' Tell them, 'Winter came for House Frey.'"
Damn, Arya! That was the most wonderfully cold-blooded thing we've ever seen in Westeros -- and that's including the time that Cersei had half her kingdom blown to bits with wildfire.
Meanwhile, here's what the rest of your GoT favorites were up to all across The Seven Kingdoms…
In Kings Landing: While Jamie was ready to morn the death of Tommen, Cersei was in full-fledged battle mode as she panicked to find a solution to keeping the Lannisters in control of The Seven Kingdoms. (Or as Jamie so coolly put it, "three kingdoms at best." Ouch.) Cersei's solution? Enlist the help of the oh-so-smug Euron Greyjoy, King of the Iron Islands, and his epic fleet of ships. Euron's counter offer was to propose marriage to Cersei, but when she refused, he set off to find the ultimate "gift" to woo his queen.
In Winterfell: Sansa and Jon spent the majority of the episode bickering over the best way to rule The North. Jon was in favor of being a more compassionate ruler, while Sansa favored a more ruthless, no nonsense approach. Not to worry! The two settled their differences, but Sansa urged Jon to be a much "smarter" ruler than both Ned and RoBb Stark. "I loved them, I miss them, but they made stupid mistakes and they lost their heads for it," she stressed. Sansa's solution? Listen to her, dammit!
At The Citadel: Sam discovered that the journey to becoming a maester is long, tedious, and filled with changing countless disgusting bedpans. When he finally could not take the monotony any longer, Sam stole some books from the restricted section and discovered that there is an endless supply of dragonglass hidden in the mountains of Dragonstone. He wrote a raven to Jon telling him of this discovery. We also witnessed the very brief return of Jorah Mormont! His greyscale-covered arm grabbed at Sam from inside one of the cells at the Citadel and he asked if the Mother of Dragons had been by for a visit.
Somewhere in the Forest: Arya Stark met Ed Sheeran! Elsewhere, the Hound and the rest of the Brothers Without Banners escaped the night's chill by settling into an abandoned home. Turns out, this was the same home of the father and daughter that The Hound left to die back in season five. As The Hound dealt with his regret, his companions urged him to embrace the visions from the Lord of Light and he successfully looked into the fire to see an army of White Walkers approaching.
At The Wall: A very cold Meera successfully pulled Bran's sled up to the Night's Watch entrance at The Wall and the two were suspiciously welcomed into the tunnel by the new Lord Commander. With Bran officially at Castle Black, hopefully this means that another Stark Family reunion is just a raven away! Elsewhere in the cold, that vicious army of White Walkers is slowly but surely approaching the land of the living, because winter is here and everyone is doomed.
In Dragonstone: Daenerys had a very brief, but memorable appearance in tonight's episode. She successfully sailed her massive army to Dragonstone, the castle belonging to the Targaryen house, which was most recently occupied by Stannis Baratheon during his quest to overtake Westeros. Dany walked through the abandoned rooms of her family home and as she entered the war room, she uttered three very simple, yet powerful words to her Hand of the Queen, Tyrion: "Shall we begin?"