Happy HalloOooOOween. Let's make sure we're on the same page here, people.
1. Do not do blackface. No matter how “respectful” you think your costume is. No matter how many black friends you say you have. Learn from Julianne Hough’s mistakes. Do not do blackface.
2. Seriously, do not do blackface. Just don’t do it.
3. Or any other culturally or otherwise insensitive costumes. Don’t be racist. Don’t be misogynistic. If you’re actively trying to piss people off with your costume, you are actually just an A-hole. That’s your costume and yourself.
4. Don’t dress as anyone who was arrested this year. Or someone who was killed. Or involved in any form of tragedy within a 365-day calendar year. There’s no such thing as “too soon” when literally no time has passed.
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5. Only dress slutty if it’s creative. Whatever, dress however you want. We won’t judge you. But we will appreciate your slutty costume more if it’s a creative (and slutty) take on something new. Slutty Supreme Court Justice? Love it. Slutty zookeeper? Very underrated. But if you dress as a slutty school girl, you’re really just dressing as a cliché.
6. Homemade costumes > store-bought costumes. This is just a personal preference. But it's also true.
7. Don’t smash people’s pumpkins. This is the ultimate d**k move. Yes, those people are going to throw them out before the weekend’s over, but leave the smashing of pumpkins to Billy Corgan (if you didn’t get that joke, look it up).
8. Do not be mad if someone TPs your home. Now, this one is not lasting damage. Sure, pulling all that toilet paper out of your trees may be a pain in the ass, but kids will be kids. Do not call the cops on them for TPing. The cops also have better things to do.
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9. If you’re old enough to drive, you’re too old to trick or treat. We think is fair. And we are giving a little leeway to freshmen, who maybe don’t have anything better to do and still want the candy. But if you have a driver’s license, you should make other plans.
10. Do not steal the entire bowl of candy. If you are the kid who finds that bowl of candy left on the porch by a lazy homeowner, you feel like you hit the jackpot. But this ruins trick or treating for everyone after you. Do you want that on your conscience? Was 12 extra bite sized Snickers worth living with that guilt?!
11. Do not put out an entire bowl of candy. Because someone will inevitably steal it all. And what are you doing inside that’s SO IMPORTANT that you can’t just hand out candy? Whatever the Halloween version of bah humbug is, we say that to you, sir!
12. Do not accept yellow Starbursts from a friend. Yes, you should never accept candy from a stranger, but you should also not accept yellow Starbursts from someone you know. Because anyone who is trying to get you to take a yellow Starburst is not your friend. They are not to be trusted.
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13. Do not trade King Size candies. For anything. It’s not worth it. There is no amount of Fun Size bags of Skittles you can trade that will make it a fair and balanced trade. Don’t do it!!!
14. Do not candy shame anyone. As someone wearing a Marie Antoinette costume once said (probably), “Let them eat candy!” Calories don’t count on Halloween. They can eat as much as they want.
15. Parents, do not steal the good candy from your children. As scavengers, you are entitled to the “medium grade” stuff – as many Bite Size Crunch bars as you want, a few bags of M&Ms – but don’t take anything King Size. Don’t take Sour Patch Kids. Be aware, there are consequences.
16. Do not celebrate Halloween for more than two consecutive nights in a row. You’re just being excessive. It was probably excessive to celebrate Halloween last weekend, but we are willing to cast a blind eye. But celebrating for three nights in a row? C’mon. It’s over.
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17. Do not ruin Halloween for children. Really, it’s their holiday. Have your fun, but not at the expense of small children. Or witches. It’s their holiday too. Do not ruin Halloween for children or witches.
18. Don’t drink and drive. We’re telling you now so your mom doesn’t have to later. Take an Uber. Or a Lyft. It’s generally cheaper than a DUI. And if you’re nice to your Uber driver, sometimes they’ll drive you through the Taco Bell drive thru.
19. Don’t drink and drive TWICE IN ONE NIGHT. Like this woman, Catherine Butler, 26, who was arrested not once, but twice within the span of three hours for driving under the influence. Which is why she’s dressed like a zombie in her mugshot.
Her parents must be so proud.
Now, make sure you check out the best celeb Halloween costumes of all time: