Nikki says she ‘failed as a communicator’ in the former couple’s relationship.
Nikki Bella may have moved on to date dancer Artem Chigvintsev, but that doesn’t mean she’s completely over her split from her former fiance and longtime love, John Cena.
The 35-year-old reality star and professional wrestler was asked about the split by a fan on The Bellas Podcast, and she wasn't afraid to get very candid about how she deals with her breakup and why she chose to leave in the first place.
“You really have to do the work on yourself,” she began. “You really, truly have to love yourself and every day dedicate something to you that is making you better. You also have to let yourself cry. That’s one thing my life coach helped me a lot with because I still, you guys, get days that I cry about my breakup, but we were together a long time.”
Nikki views her crying as “healing,” adding, “So when those tears come, I don’t try to hold them in. I find a quiet place and I cry.”
She noted that mediation has helped her in moments of grief or doubt.
“Moments when I’m really down or questioning my decision, I meditate,” she explained. “It’s crazy how clear your head feels and how clear your decision feels. On top of that, I’ve been reading a lot of books and self-help books.”
Nikki went on to reveal that John asked her to sign an NDA regarding the end of their relationship, limiting her in what she can say about the split.
“The one thing I can tell you from my point of view and my emotions and my perspective, I just towards the end started to become a miserable person,” she said. “I was very, very unhappy and I would ask myself questions every day — ‘why am I feeling this way?’ — I have not only this beautiful, successful man who has a heart of gold, who’s an amazing person. I live in these gorgeous homes. I have these gorgeous things. And I would understand that when you would look at my life it was like, ‘How was this girl becoming so unhappy?’ Honestly, it’s still questions I ask myself today. I’m still trying to get over my breakup. I do the work constantly, but it’s crazy how long it’s taken.”
Noting that the “timing was off” for her and John, Nikki added that the distance they often had to endure for his career was very trying for her. She said she spent Easter and Christmas apart from the wrestler and actor and being apart was something she wasn’t willing to compromise.
“It wasn’t John’s fault. John, from day one, was so honest with me. And he was very busy in his career, but for a while in our relationship, John and I traveled together,” she explained. “That started to stop, so I wasn’t seeing my fiance all the time. Deep down, John, I truly feel he wanted to have a kid with me and then your mind starts to play tricks on you and I’m like, ‘Is he just doing it for me? Does he want to be a dad?’ And I started to question that.”
Nikki also takes some of the blame for the end of their engagement, saying she “failed as a communicator.”
“Instead of going to John and saying, ‘These things are bothering me. Or do you think these things are going to change?’” she revealed. “Instead, I just became more and more unhappy and then I made a decision to leave without even giving him a try or saying, ‘Look, I don’t like these things. This is the kind of wife and husband I want to be and if you can’t give me that, then I want to walk.’ Instead, I just left.”
Nikki added that it’s her belief that people have “many soulmates,” listing both John and Artem in that category.
“With John, I have unconditional love for him. My love, it goes beyond being a boyfriend, a fiance, all those different things,” she said of her ex. “He truly feels like family. I’ll never stop loving him, rooting him on, supporting him, protecting him.”
For more from Nikki, watch the clip below: