Here's Everything Comedy Central Should Roast Justin Bieber About
By John Boone
Oh Biebs, you really asked for it this time. Literally.
Justin Bieber asked Comedy Central to roast him and now they’re obliging. “Justin has been asking us for a few years,” Comedy Central president Kent Alterman recalls. “We just kept telling him to go create more source material first. We’re thrilled he listened.”
That’s one explanation for Justin’s behavior lately. But to help the roasters, we’ve compiled a list of everything the comedians should roast Justin for. You might say they’re targets, but isn’t everything when it comes to the Biebs?
His Relationship With Selena Gomez: They’re the worst couple you knew in high school, but they’re adults and they’re famous. They break up with each other and post depressing Instagrams, they get back together and write weird songs about the heart wanting what the heart wants. Repeat ad nauseum a million times forever.
That He Makes the Same Face in Every Selfie: He really does, no joke. But we’re sure there are plenty of jokes to be made there. Additionally, a brief scroll through his Instagram — especially those gym selfies — can provide enough fodder for a tight five.
His White Boy “Rap Skills”: No explanation necessary.
That Time He Abandoned His Pet Monkey in Germany: On second thought, this one is actually sad. Remember when Justin Bieber got a pet monkey named Mally and brought him to Europe? And Mally got seized at German customs? And Bieber just left him there? Comedy = tragedy + time?
His Bleached Blonde Hair: Since Justin has already apologized for and said he’s “insecure” about his new hair, maybe they should actually avoid this topic. This is a Roast, we’re not trying to be mean to him about his ‘05 Brad Pitt blonde done 10 years too late...
And His “Fashion” Sense: We know it makes us sound approximately a thousand years old, but can’t somebody buy this kid a belt? He’s tried every other stupid fashion trend — leather gym shorts, spiked baseball hats, those drop-crotch pants that make you look like you’re wearing a diaper — but still insists on wearing his pants at his mid to upper thigh.
Every Time He Gets Shirtless: For absolutely no reason. See: The aforementioned gym selfies. Also, that time he stripped at Fashion Rocks and expected everyone to cheer for him? And they did, but you were left thing, “Whyyy?” Which is a great transition to...
His Calvin Klein Ads: We know Saturday Night Live already nailed this one (even Bieber said he loved it, after making sure to point out that LOL I WASN’T PHOTOSHOPPED GUYS STOP SAYING THAT), but this subject will never not be funny.
Really, this Comedy Central Roast can only end two ways: With Bieber crying. Or trying to out-comedy the comedians and everything becoming terribly, terribly award. There’s a third ending that is guaranteed to happen: All of Justin’s 13-year-old Beliebers telling the comedians that roast him to go kill themselves.
Oh you know we’ll be tuning in to this.
Want to know what it’s like to be Biebs? Go inside his new Hollywood pad: