One year after suffering a devastating miscarriage, Eva Amurri Martino is getting honest about her fears of being pregnant with her second child.
The 31-year-old actress opened up in a blog post on Wednesday, detailing the process of grieving the loss of one baby and ultimately conceiving another.
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"If miscarriage is seldom talked about, the feelings associated with pregnancy after a loss are even more seldom talked about," she wrote. "I think there's a misconception that once a woman conceives after a miscarriage, that somehow her miscarriage is erased -- that the feelings of loss are replaced by feelings of joy for this new baby, and that everything moves forward as it should be. In my own experience, this couldn’t be further from the truth."
The Undateable star was 10 weeks pregnant when she miscarried. The loss occurred just one day after a seemingly healthy doctor’s visit. "I saw our baby moving and growing normally: its arms and legs, its perfect heartbeat, its size right on track,"she recalled. "Then, our baby passed away inside me what must have been only a few hours later."
Amurri Martino and her husband, Kyle Martino, welcomed their first child, daughter Marlowe, in August 2014. After several discussions, the couple decided to try for another baby. Last month, they announced that they were, in fact, expecting baby No. 2, though the actress admitted that she was initially terrified at being pregnant again and wouldn't speak about it aloud.
Luckily, over time, she and found a way to be "hopeful" again. "When I’m scared, I speak to my Son -- I encourage him to stay with us, and tell him how much we are longing to hold him and to welcome him in to our family.We have plans for our Boy, and no matter what happens, I’m so grateful for the full heart I feel today."
Amurri Martino's unwavering concern is understandable after suffering a miscarriage. The emotional experience -- including the "recovery period," which she described as the body reminding "you every moment that your body is eliminating a pregnancy" -- was understandably traumatic for Amurri Martino.
One particularly challenging obstacle was trying to remain optimistic. "I entered a period of my life at that time where I felt the most vulnerable, and unsure of most of the things I believed and hoped to be true: That I would get to choose how many children I would have, that my children would grow up safe and healthy, and that my family would always be OK in the end," she wrote.
Amurri Martino, who’s mom is Susan Sarandon, also noted that "these are common feelings felt by any grieving person."
"I think this is one of the least understood things about Loss of any kind: that it seeps in to every corner of a person's life, that it changes them, and that their life after their Loss is a different life than before," she explained. "I felt extremely misunderstood after my Miscarriage, especially by people I knew that hadn’t experienced a pregnancy loss themselves. I think they hoped that time would heal, that after a period of grieving I would be all better and that it was best to wait it out. I got a lot of 'reminders' that I would 'have another baby', that 'it just wasn’t meant to be', or reassurances that I would ‘eventually’ have the family that I wanted."
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"What I wanted to tell these people was that I didn’t want 'another' baby," she added. "I wasn’t interested in their 'meant to be'. I was interested in the baby that I had, the one that I loved and was waiting for. THAT ONE is the one that I wanted, and that one is the one that I would never have."
Earlier this year, General Hospital star Kimberly McCullough also got candid after suffering a late-term miscarriage, saying "my heart was so full and then I broke." Hear more of her emotional, heartbreaking words in the video below.