The Real Housewives don’t just throw wine, they make it. In fact, so many stars of the Bravo franchise have launched liquor labels, we got curious: Are they any good?!
We collected as many bottles as we could find, then invited comedians Casey Wilson and Danielle Schneider over to serve as guinea pigs for us in a special edition of Housewives Happy Hour.
WATCH: Housewives Happy Hour With The Real Housewives of Potomac
Here’s why Casey and Danielle were the perfect choice for the project: First, they star in Hulu’s Housewives parodies, The Hotwives of Orlando and The Hotwives of Las Vegas(Danielle actually co-created the series). The ladies also recently launched Bitch Sesh, a podcast where they break down all things Real Housewives.
“It’s the project of our entire careers that we’ve worked the hardest on,” Casey jokingly tells ETonline. “I kinda consider myself a Christiane Amanpour of the Housewives.”
So, without further ado -- here are the results of our taste test, broken down bottle by bottle.
NOTE: Casey and Danielle’s opinions do not necessarily reflect those of ETonline (Housewives, don’t hate us!)
Bethenny Frankel, The Real Housewives of New York
The brand that started it all -- and made Bethenny Frankel a millionaire. We tested two different Skinnygirl products: the classic Skinnygirl Margarita and Skinnygirl Cucumber Vodka, both retailing for $20. Disclaimer: Casey and Danielle had tested the margarita before.
Casey’s Take (Margarita): “I like it, but guys, I’m not afraid to say it: I’ve drank it as my sole drink for a night -- you’re gonna need more alcohol … Small tip: pour it in a glass, throw a shot of tequila in, and then you’re still pretty skinny.”
Danielle’s Take (Margarita): “You know, it’s a perfect margarita for me …It feels like a real alcohol, like it was something thought about by Bethenny herself in the test kitchen. And I think it’s delicious and it’s light. You could drive afterwards and not feel like you’re gonna get a DUI.”
Casey’s Take (Cucumber Vodka): “I know the face I made says otherwise. I just was not ready for it to be good … I really do actually like it.”
Danielle’s Take (Cucumber Vodka): “I like it. Again, it’s light, it’s fresh. It doesn’t feel, like, heavy. Like, I don’t feel the burn that sometimes comes with vodka … It feels like spa water with a kick.”
Superlative: Most Likely to Re-gift… ‘Cause You Can Easily Get More!
WATCH: Housewives Happy Hour With Orange County Star Tamra Judge
Ramona Pinot Grigio
Ramona Singer, The Real Housewives of New York
Turtle time! Ramona Singer name-dropped “Pinot Grigio” so much on The Real Housewives of New York, she had to make her own! Ramona Pinot Grigio retails for $10.99.
Casey’s Take: “It’s both buttery and dry … it’s not a light Pinot Grigio. Oof. If you were served this at dinner, you would definitely say, like, ‘What’s going on?!’ I’m not really a wine person, I don’t know that much about it, but I do know this isn’t good.”
Danielle’s Take: “It’s real dry. Can I say I’m burning [in my chest]? You know how when you’re like, ‘I’m gonna see that guy I like tonight, but I’m not sure he likes me?’ … Like that, that burn of embarrassment. It’s rough. Just like Ramona, it tells you that it’s here.”
Superlative: Best Wine to Throw in Someone’s Face
Unfiltered Blonde Sonoma County Chardonnay
Brandi Glanville, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Brandi Glanville’s motto is “It’s not fun to be sober,” so having her own wine seems very on-brand. Unfiltered Blonde Sonoma County Chardonnay retails for $15. Disclaimer: Casey and Danielle previously tried Unfiltered Blonde on Bitch Sesh.
Casey’s Take: “It’s hard, because I did not love this wine on the podcast, but next to Ramona’s, I’m liking it. It’s sweet, and like Brandi, it wants to be nice. It’s not bad.”
Danielle’s Take: “There’s a lot of fruit in this … it’s the candy of wine. It’s lighter, a kiss compared to Ramona’s punch. But, I don’t need any more of it.”
Superlative: Most Likely to F**k You Up Quick
WATCH: Housewives Happy Hour With Orange County Star Shannon Beador
Lisa Vanderpump, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Lisa Vanderpump and her daughter, Pandora, have two kinds of sangria, a Red and a Pink. The bottles retail for $13.99, and carry a recommendation that you drink the wine mix over fresh-cut fruit to enhance the flavor. We did not follow those instructions.
Casey’s Take (Pink): “ How dare they serve this! I hate to say this, but it’s really… I mean, it’s tough to bottle sangria. [Sips] Although now, I’m liking it … I hated it so much, I think I enjoy it. I am almost tasting it as a wine, but it is a sangria. So, judging it as a sangria, I’m feeling better about it … I’m liking it more and more.”
Danielle’s Take (Pink): “It’s more, like, syrup than wine. Have you ever had a Snoopy Sno Cone machine? And, you know, there’s the liquid you pour on the sno cone? That is in this.”
Casey’s Take (Red): “Right off the bat, the smell is all wrong… that’s one of the worst things I have ever tasted, and I know that’s -- I’m not trying to be rude. That’s with love. I can’t even have another sip. It’s so terrible.”
Danielle’s Take (Red): “It smells like Manischewitz. Literally, like Manischewitz. I like it more [than the Pink Sangria]. This is not bad. This tastes like… this reminds me of being in Hebrew school, and getting the challah. These are things I want in my wine! I want to be reminded of Hebrew school -- delish! L’chaim, everybody.”
Superlative: Most Likely to Be Served at a (Jewish) Holiday Dinner
WATCH: Housewives Happy Hour With Bravo's Ladies of London
Teresa Giudice, The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Teresa Giudice loves all things flashy and fabulous, so of course her line of cocktails is called Fabellini. The sparkling wine comes in two flavors, Peach and Raspberry, both of which retail for $12.99.
Casey’s Take (Raspberry): “Cough syrup! Horrible. This is like they took a NyQuil, a DayQuil gel cap -- DayQuil -- and then just opened it.”
Danielle’s Take (Raspberry): “Cough syrup, totally! It’s not even bubbly enough. There’s no bubbles. This is like, you know how you go to like a McDonald’s, and you get a soda, and it doesn’t have enough bubbles? That’s what this is. A stale soda.”
Casey’s Take (Peach): “What’s that store for girls that’s called? Justice! This tastes like Justice in a bottle. Wow, it does taste more like a champagne [than the Raspberry].”
Danielle’s Take (Peach): “This smells like a Bath and Body Works…. Oh, and it is burning a little bit.”
Superlative: Most Likely to Give You a Sugar Headache
Heather Dubrow, The Real Housewives of Orange County
If you’ve ever watched an episode of O.C., you know Heather loves her champs -- but this is actually a methode champenoise, because it’s not bottled in France. Collette retails for $38, but might be hard to find -- Heather tells ETonline they're not bottling anything beyond the initial run. Still, of note, Collette was the only bottle we tried that didn’t have the Housewife’s name anywhere on it.
Casey’s Take: “Yassss! I love it! It’s awesome. It’s really good, and I do drink a lot of champagne, sadly. It’s amazing. I’m going to say something, I think, bold and controversial -- I love Veuve Clicquot, but it has, like, an edge to it that this doesn’t have. Guys, I might buy Collette, genuinely.”
Danielle’s Take: “A winner! It’s lovely. She’s a classy chick. She knows how to do it right, she doesn’t cut corners.”
Superlative: All-Around Winner!
WATCH: Housewives Happy Hour With Atlanta Star Phaedra Parks
Check out the videos above to get more of Danielle and Casey’s take on ALL the alcohol -- plus, see some bloopers from the shoot! You can get more of their unfiltered opinions on all things Real Housewives by subscribing to Bitch Sesh. New episodes drop every Wednesday.
And if you need more Housewives Happy Hour in your life, check out our chat with Real Housewives of Atlanta star Kenya Moore below.