Nearly three months after the death of her father, Senator John McCain, Meghan McCain says her sorrow is as "awful" as ever, describing the pain as "sharp and primal."
On Sunday, the 33-year-old co-host of The View shared a photo on Instagram of the longtime politician in the kitchen and lovingly remembered weekends spent having coffee and breakfast with her dad.
"Eighty-four days without you," she wrote of the war hero, who lost his battle to brain cancer in August at the age of 81. "You used to get up early in the morning and go get us all Starbucks in town in the Cottonwood Safeway and then come home and make eggs and bacon. You always had a giant venti cappuccino. We would eat on the porch and talk about life and politics while you read the newspaper and watched out for the hawks to fly by."
Meghan continued, contemplating how one can "go from talking to someone seven times a day to never."
"I want to tell you about everything and get your opinion on everything - just like we used to do," she shared. "It is still so indescribably surreal to go through the motions of life without sharing all of it with you - like some awful parallel universe I fell into. The pain of missing you and the grief that comes with it continues to be sharp and primal. Some waves are more intense than others but they come every day relentlessly. Stay with me. Stay with me. Stay with me."
The emotional TV co-host elaborated on her strength and ability to be a fighter, crediting her father for making her "tough and strong."
"I fight on because that is what you told me I had to do and demanded of me," she added. "I know you made me so tough and strong with the intensity that only you could have purposefully - and for that I am the most grateful. You raised me “Don’t let the bastards grind you down” you always said. Thank you for always, always being on my team and for being my best friend. I love you forever."
Meghan concluded with a few general thoughts on grief, encouraging those who feel uncomfortable by her posts about her father to simply click unfollow.
"To anyone else in my place or those who are not - I wish we wouldn’t put time limits or rules on grief, we all do it differently in different ways," she said. "I shared my father on social media while he was here (and he loved it) and I choose to continue sharing him now that he is not. There’s always the unfollow button if recognizing the impact of death and loss makes anyone uncomfortable."
The Raising McCain author hasn't been shy about publicly mourning the death of her father, sharing a series of posts on social media -- a move that may prove therapeutic for some struggling with grief.
She honored her dad and celebrated naval aviator on Veterans Day with a photo of him, writing, "I miss you so much Dad, thank you for showing me what fighting for something greater than yourself means."
Meghan has been counting the days since her father's death, sharing in late October that she misses John's laugh, voice, "dark sense of humor" and "the way you always made me feel safe in a world that seems to have lost its way." She also addressed those everyday nuances like his affinity for Beach Boys tunes, John Wayne movies and old Far Side T-shirts.
"Sixty-six days," she wrote. "I wake up every morning still instinctually trying and reaching to call you on the phone. I miss you so much Dad it physically hurts my heart."